"I don't believe in things that bleed for 5 days and don't die."- South Park

Oh...is it sad that I'm taking girl advice from South Park the movie? Man, no more drinking at 5 pm...at least until next weekend.

Oh...another Valentine's Day passed...alone...but with good friends...oh what will this next year bring?

I can bring her happiness, but I'm not the one who makes her happy.

I'm done. Home in two days.

This is me being honest:

I want to walk with you in this snowstorm, hands together, wind biting our faces rosey red. I want to walk to your room and leave flowers by your door. I want to cook you dinner and curl up by a fireplace with you. I want to look at your smile every day. I want to say "You are beautiful," and then be lost for words. I want to kiss you gently on your forehead and wish you goodnight. I want to take you dancing and hold you close as cheezy music plays in the background. I want to be able to call you at 2 in the morning just to say hello. I want to be able to speak to you without getting nervous. I want you to be my first kiss. I want to be a better person for you.

This is me being honest, telling you what I want, while whole-heartedly knowing that you will never want me.

I need a pretty lady.

So I've made an effort to make some changes in my life...hopefully for the better. It's been a tough couple of weeks for me and if you've seen me or heard from me lately, you can probably tell. I've been overworked, underslept, and overstressed. But like I said, for once in my life, I've recognized and admitted my limitations and taken steps to make things better. I've had a lot of talks with my profs about my performance in class and I think I've gotten them all on the same page as me which has been really helpful. The Deans, in particular Dean Amy, has been very helpful throughout it all. I've also made an effort to see why I'm tired all the time and hopefully the blood work I'm doing tomorrow will prove helpful. Beyond that, I've just spent some time talking to people honestly about how things are going for me. Hell, I was even pretty upfront with my parents about my problems, which doesn't happen all that often. And I think all the stress is compounded by the fact that this is my junior year, I have so many opportunities in front of me, I'm a JA, and I just don't want to see any of these things fail or fall apart.

But beyond all this stress, I'm trying to become a better student. Lots of small steps which sadly may not see fruition till next semester, but at least I'm making the effort this time. I'm also trying to changing things in my personal life. I realized that because of the stress I was letting myself become way too irritable. I've tried to stay calmer and more relaxed lately and basically just take things as they come. I know there has been a change because some of my frosh have commented on it and they see me a lot so would know. I think when I get a chance to breath (most likely when Winter Study rolls around) I will try to put back into practice the things I learned from Zen training. Winter Study would be a good time to do that since my old Zen master is coming to Williamstown for the month to teach. But yeah, I'm trying to put together a new me and I say 'put together' intentionally because it is something that will take a long time, piece by piece, but it also implies a breaking down of things. That is something I desperately need and have never been able to admit. I need to break the cycle; I need to break those old, self-destructive habits. One in particular is girls. I've spent too much time pining after girls who don't return my affection. My friends always tell me that I choose the wrong girls and that those girls don't deserve the attention I give. I've come to the point where I might no agree with them totally, but for the time being, I'm going to assume they are right. That means no longer making that extra effort anymore only to feel more worthless after spending time with them. That means taking them off my IM list. That means avoiding them to some degree. Yes, this applies to the one girl that most people know about, but it also applies to a lot of other people too. I think being a JA and being isolated from my class, you slowly get to realize the friends who are there, the friends who recognize the position you are in, and still make the effort to see you and support you. I'm not saying my friends aren't supporting me, but I've noticed the deterioration of certain friendships and honestly, I no longer have the time or energy to be the only one trying. So no more. I've talked to a lot of people lately, in particular adults who I respect, and all are in agreement that I need to spend time for me, taking care of myself. This is just one of my steps towards that goal.

I've also had a revelation of some sorts. I realize that a lot of the things that I do, be it academically or extracurricularly, don't really satisfy me anymore or they never satisfied me at all. I need to start taking more control of my life and future and do the things that really make happy, that inspire me and bring me enjoyment. Part of that means me rethinking if I really want to major in econ. I really don't enjoy econ at all. I find it dry and very boring. The applications seems pointless and I feel my time could be better spent. I realized that I'm not inspired or motivated by major and I think by choosing econ because I enjoy the business side of things and wanted to eventually run my own company, I isolated myself and restricted myself and my college experience. Its still something I'm thinking about, but def. will play a role in the classes I sign up for next semester.

So yeah, I'm trying to make a change and trying to attain that goal of pursuing and doing things for me. It's really something I need right now. I new me, a me without you. I know, it sounds stupid and almost a little depressing, but that's where I'm heading right now and though its kind of scary, I need to take that risk and see where it all takes me. I just hope God watches over me and continues to inspire me. Do I believe God will do this? Do I even believe in God? Who knows, but I'll still say it. All I know is that I need something more than this. I still want someone to share moments with and though she may never come here at Williams, I can still dream and wonder, but for now, I choose to stay more grounded in the reality that surrounds me and fully take advantage of all those opportunities.

Watching a strange movie like Cabaret ain't so bad when you watch it with a cute girl...who thinks of you asexually. Ah well, that's the life I lead I guess. Tomorrow is gonna be a long as day me thinks. Please pray that no more of my electronics break down. As of now, my cell phone is dying, my speaker system is shot and i think my TV/VCR is broke since i only get sound...oh, and jesup says my computer might be on the verge of dying again. fuck me...

My Parents
So my last post got cut short cause my I had to go pick up my mom, etc. etc. My parents were here in Cali over the 4th and my mom stayed a couple extra days. It was a little difficult cause I had to change my schedule around a bit to accommodate my mom, but I'm glad she stayed. It was nice to see her and my dad. I don't get along with them that well. I don't really get along with my family that well. I've been realizing this a lot lately. I'm not very real with them either. They don't know that much about me cause I hide it from them and don't let them in. I guess I've had a couple revelations in the last day or two that i need to express.

I tend to push people away a lot. Being at the EDGE (EDGE is the college-group at Newsong Church) has really helped me realize this. I always piss and moan to friends about girls and how I want someone to share life with, but I've realized that one of the reasons that doesn't happen is because I don't let it. Subconsciously I think I know that I'm not ready for that in my life. I need to learn to share myself with the people already around me, especially family, before I can even think about being able to share myself on an intimate level with a significant other. I'm a very dramatic person, especially in my imagination and I've run this "movie scenario" (as I like to call it) through my head before where my significant other breaks up with me (in a rainy scene underneath streetlights, of course). She tells me that we can't be together cause I need to find myself first. I'm using the relationship to define myself when what I really need to first is define myself as a person, alone, single, stripped down, before I can share myself with her. It's all pretty stupid and melodramatic, but seems right for the state of mind I'm in.

Sometimes people say that the best way for a girl to judge a guy is by how he treats his mother cause that is how he will treat her. I've always scoffed at that cause I want to say, "Wait, the relationship with my mom is different. We don't understand each other, but that's not my fault. It's hers." I guess that conversation would speak volumes to the girl as how our relationship would turn out. It does hurt me that I don't know a lot about my parents and vice versa. I guess it's just the way its always worked. Our relationship has been sustained, but mostly through mechanical maintenance. We know how to make the machine work and get through the day, but we never worked on the efficiency; we never tried to make the machine do new things. We found one thing that worked and stuck with that.

It kind of all goes back to how I used to have a lot of trouble saying "I love you" to my parents. I always assumed it was a given cause for a while, they just assumed I could take care of myself and our whole relationship seemed like a given. So did the "I love you." Suddenly they started saying it a lot, signing e-mails with it, etc. It really struck me cause I wasn't sure how to respond. One time my dad sent me an e-mail saying basically, "Hi. How are you? We miss you. Love, Dad." I think that e-mail made me cry. It was just too weird, my parents being very emotional towards me cause growing up, I kind of pushed them away. As a little kid, I was embarrassed by the gushy parents and pushed them away. I know I'm not the only person who did that. It just stuck for too long.

So what do I do about the situation with my parents? I don't know. I'd like to be real with them, let them know what's going on in my life, more than just the every day "school is good. lots of homework." conversation. But I'm afraid they will not understand me. Maybe I don't give them enough credit. I assume the first-generation/second-generation differences are a huge barrier but I don't think I've tested those enough. To be real with them I need to be willing to take a risk. For now, small steps.

Newsong
On another note, I need to say how much I love Newsong and the people there. They truly are a blessing on my life and it is just so strange how all the things involving Newsong and California play out. I'm not saying everything is perfect, but I feel comfortable calling Newsong one of my homes. I know, Eric back in church...what is that? How long will it last? I'll probably fall back in the same rut when I get back to Williams, so is this summer of Newsong worth it? It's funny how Sandy keeps asking me if I regret going to Williams. She keeps forgetting that she asks me and then asks again, kind of like something in the back of my head pulling at me, asking me to really think through the question. Of course I just want to say, of course I don't regret my decision. I'm happy at Williams. And I am happy there, on some levels. But I don't know if the excuse of, "well the people make up for it" is enough anymore. I had the same feeling last summer, that I'd consider switching schools just to be in California and close enough to attend Newsong on a regular basis. How crazy is that? To switch schools for a church? But even though I fell away from God and religion over this past school year, I was still reminded of Newsong because of the community here. I didn't meet that many people last summer and didn't make that many deep connections, but some people still cared enough to keep up with me through either e-mail, AIM, or my blog and checked on me when things were looking bad. Its the little things.

So its another summer at Newsong and I'm in a small group. And I stress the word small. My small group today consisted of me, my leader, and one other guy. Not what I expected and I was a little disappointed at Newsong. For the first couple of hours, I though Summer Slam was very poorly planned and I kind of felt like this was not the Newsong that I knew, but then Brian gave the message, we sang, we worshiped, we prayed...it felt good. There is a sense that you are connected to everyone in the room even though you don't even know any of them, not even their names. Its a good feeling...an amazing feeling..a feeling a miss. We also commissioned to mission teams that are leaving for China and Guatemala this weekend. It was pretty amazing. I'm a little apprehensive about talking about religion on my blog, just cause most people who probably read this blog don't even know me as a Christian cause its been a nonexistent part of my life in college and even to any of my friends outside of EFCTC, but I felt the Spirit moving tonight. Almost brought to tears by a damn song. "Wonderful Maker," the same song we sang at Sunday service. The song really hit me on Sunday and in the back of my head, I was still thinking about it and then Bam!, we're singing it today at the EDGE. It's just another one of those crazy things about Cali and Newsong...another one of those coincidences.

I don't know where this experience at Newsong this summer will take me. I like the people there. I want to spend more time putting myself out there and getting to know the people, but I'm still having trouble letting them get to know me. There's still this barrier, some layer of taboo things that I won't let into the conversation. And then I realize how untruthful I am being to others and to myself. I guess I shouldn't be ashamed of anything I've done or do. The only thing that makes me ashamed is the standards other people have, right?

I guess that's enough of all that right now. Need some sleep.

People I miss right now: Ben, Karen, Candice, Aron, Reena, Margo, Di, Romina, Loren, Sam, Amber

conversation I had on IM tonight..or this morning to be more exact...its not that all interesting, but she got me ranting so I thought I'd post it. Replaced her screenname for privacy sake.

corporate killah: why do you knock someone who sees something in you at first glance?
corporate killah: it would seem that in some sense, it would be a compliment
corporate killah: everyone has a protective layer
corporate killah: sometimes we think it is better than it really is
Friend: i guess but i think that the best part of me is my inside
Friend: and i dont think i have that good an outside
corporate killah: like i said, first impressions are not all about the physical
corporate killah: you can tell a lot about people mentally, emotionally, the inside stuff, just by how they act
Friend: well i certainly dont carry myself graciously
corporate killah: how they walk,
Friend: you see me
corporate killah: how they hold themselves
Friend: im always stumbling, shouting, laughing too loud
corporate killah: not everyone likes the gracious type
corporate killah: whatever!!!!
corporate killah: you are starting to piss me off!!!
corporate killah: there is not one set type of attractive person
corporate killah: the fact that you keep asserting this is troubling and frustrating
corporate killah: cause its not true
corporate killah: why does anyone like anyone
corporate killah: who the fuck knows?
corporate killah: i dont know why i like half the girls i like
corporate killah: yes, part of it is physical attraction but at the same time, the people i have liked over my lifetime do not all look the same
corporate killah: they do not all carry themselves well
corporate killah: some are zannier than others
corporate killah: some are more gracious
corporate killah: in reality, we like people for no reason sometime
corporate killah: we just follow our heart, our gut or whatever ever the hell else you listen to and go
corporate killah: we have this romanticized idea of love and we follow that
corporate killah: we think that we know nothing about love
corporate killah: so we just dive into things and "let our hearts guide us"
corporate killah: but it's just a self-fulfilling prophecy
corporate killah: we don't know anything about love because we initially assume that we don't
corporate killah: sorry for being so pissed...sore spo

So this is gonna be a long post since I haven't written anything substantial in a while and I'm also feeling a little down so all I've got motivation to do is write.

First, Asian American Awareness Month is officially over here at Williams! I am so happy....this month has nearly killed me, with the planning, the rushedness, the crazy events...everything has been crazy, but I have to say that everything turned out so well. This month was great and every event, EVERY EVENT, went well and was well attended. I can't ask for more. Though Lil and I have been working a lot this month and this year, with less than full support from people, it's all turned out well and I feel we've done well this year...made some kind of contribution to the community. But I can't stand bitch ass people who think our job is easy. I'm just gonna say it. I'm not gonna let that ruin the good feeling I have for the month. ATP did a great job tonight. Though they got rained out on Thursday, they really showed everyone tonight. The performance was great and everyone involved deserves another round of applause, especially Romina. It's over...relax now. So yes, AASiA has really defined my year this year and consumed it, but I wouldn't change that cause I've made a lot of great friends from it. Just have to make the final push through the end of the year.

And the idea of "making that final push, just make it two more weeks" mentality really bothers me. I want concrete and pure reasons for doing the things that I do. I want to know why the fuck I am doing the stuff that I'm doing. Everyone says I overextend myself and its true. I think its odd that I put my extra curriculars before my school work. Some might say it's because I'm passionate about those things, but I'm slowly coming to the realization that its more that my extra curriculars are things that I can get recognition for. No one congratulates you on your grades or thanks you for the hard work you put in in getting an A. No, grades are yours alone, but all this other shit I do, maybe someday someone will thank me. I think that's what's been underlying my motives lately and I hate that. Why must I be so prideful? I think back to the days in church, always signing about letting my pride fall. Why can't I be so lost in religion to believe in that again? This always seems to happen. When I'm feeling down, I wonder if it's religion that I need to fill the void. I'm still struggling to figure out if religion is just another delusion from reality, which all my activities seem to be. But maybe I should just play dumb and find some happiness that I used to have when I went to church. But anyways, my ego and pride has become a huge source of problems for me. I think that it is the basis for a lot of my motivation to do things. I do a lot of shit on this campus and at the same time, I feel it goes unrecognized. I wonder if the desire for recognition came after doing all this stuff or was the original motivation to do this stuff in the first place. It's so frustrating.

It shouldn't be this way. I shouldn't be questioning myself so much. I'm even questioning my ethics. In all honesty, I know I've done some things this year which were totally unethical. I've got no excuse and nothing I can do change them after the fact. The problem is, they don't bother me as much anymore. I make fun of certain people at school for being really shady in their dealings, but I'm just as bad as them. I've got a long running joke that I can get any parent to like me and it's true. I rarely have a friend who's parents don't like me, even love me. And it's all a facade. If they knew the true me, they wouldn't let me anywhere near their kids. I really wish my image matched reality, but it doesn't and it's something I could change, but I always feel so weak. I know that all this is my life and I can take control, but I never feel strong enough. I just let all the shit continue. I let cycle repeat itself and I feel like I can't get loose. And the even greater problem is that all these cycles are my own creation. Whether it is this cycle that I have with girls, its all me. My reasons for being sad about girls has nothing to do with them. They aren't involved. They may not be living up to my expectations, but they never had to. And that's what makes these horrible cycles hurt even more cause deep down I know they are my own. It's my own self-inflicted pain.

Okay, now that that is out of the system, I figure it's time to attack the situation of girls. I don't have a good history with girls and every time, it seems to get more complicated. I'm not gonna use names, but most people can figure it out. Ah, fuck it. Names. So I think things have settled on the Candice issue. Most people know that I used to like her and I finally told her earlier this year. I'll admit that our relationship has always been a little strange to me. I'm not even sure if I can explain it in words properly. All I know is that I truly love that girl. She's one of my best friends and one of the only people that can make me feel happy just by being there. I don't think I can say that about a lot of people. But yes, I still struggle with how I feel about her cause it's still strange. She's my friend and I see her in that light, but at the same time, I love her as a friend and in another way that I have yet to fully grapple with.

Ummm...things with Karen are better than I thought. Though I barely talk to her still, we're on good terms. Heard from her the other day and keep up with her on her weblog. She was the first and only girl that I liked and something came of that. Probably cause I was just honest with her about how I felt. How much easier life would be for me if I could be as honest as I am here to girls. One of my friends said that that was probably the root of most of my problems, and I'm starting to agree. But yeah, most people don't know it, but Karen was my only girlfriend ever. I'm not really that sad about that fact, but I do regret some of the things I did then. But anyways, we're on good terms which all I could ever ask for.

And now to the most frustrating thing of late...the current girl. Why can't I get over her? I know that she doesn't feel the same way that I feel for her. Why do I keep putting so much effort in? Why do I keep trying, consciously knowing that there is nothing there? She barely acknowledges me and almost every one of my friends tells me to stop but I can't; its the cycle. But something deep inside me says there is something special there. Maybe its because it's been so hard to get to know her. Maybe its that feeling that there is something really special to still discover about her. Or maybe I'm just concocted a really amazing "possibility" in my head this time.
"Possibilities" are such a pain. I was talking to Romina about this the other day; why we like who we like. For me, it usually turns out that I like certain girls for reasons that aren't even really there. I latch on to someone and attribute these good things to them because I want them to be something they're not. I want them to be something that matches me. And I'm discovering that my ideas are not very accurate. It's not like the girls I like are bad people. Totally the opposite. They are all amazing people, but at the same time, I like them for reasons that aren't there. And it hurts. It hurts cause I build them and the possibilities up to such a large degree that when I finally make figure it out, I've strung myself along so much that...ouch. So i guess I haven't come to any consensus on why I like who I like. And I fear that I might have fallen into the same trap with this girl. Part of it is because I never feel like I really know her, but I really do. It's really bad and I'm at the point where I don't know what to do anymore.

I guess on a happier note, I'm becoming good friends with Romina. She's one of the people in my life right now where seeing or talking to her brightens my day. What can I say, its a little shallow, but I need that right now. I'm a little sad that I didn't get to know her better before but I guess timing is everything. She listens, which is nice, isn't yet accustomed to my ranting to have unconsciously blocked it out which sadly has happened with some of my other friends. It happens to everyone though. I'm just as guilty. Another person who has been good at listening to my shit is Jiayang. Yes, at times, she is a little too much for me, but she's one of the only people who consistently talks to me for hours on end. We are each other's therapists, but she's more so mine.

Speaking of therapy, I find myself searching for it more these days. Tonight, Drew commented that it was really strange that he was counseling me cause it's usually the other way around. I replied that it's because I put on a good facade, which makes him think I have it so together, but I don't. Right now, I foresee a total crash soon. I'm over extended, way behind in school, and lack motivation. This lack of motivation is most evident in Chinese. I've missed so many classes this semester that they might as well fail me. I even go and have private meetings with my prof. I go, under the auspices of asking questions about Chinese, but in the end, every time, I end up talking to her about how inadequate I feel and how just lost I feel. It's even stranger in that she is one of the last profs that I thought I would talk to about that. I'm doing the same with my language fellow, Han laoshi, who is seriously one of the nicest guys ever. I think I would have lost all hope for Chinese if it weren't for him. I'm even starting to talk about some of this with my Soc professor, who has been really understanding with the fact that I was supposed to turn in a research paper proposal two weeks ago and still haven't done it.

God...I'm getting really random now. JA stuff...totally stressing me out and at some points, its not even fun anymore. That's all I'm going to say about JA shit. Summer plans...don't want to think about that at all. Almost want to be a bum, which I sort of am now. I'm a poor ass bum. Everyone feels bad for me cause my sneakers are falling apart, my sandals are held together by athletic tape and almost all my jeans have holes and rips which have made them unwearable unless I want to flash or moon people.

Yeah, so I don't know where to go from here. I cried tonight. Not much, but it was one of those crying for no reason things. It weirded me out a lot, but it was also kind of comforting. I guess I need to really figure things out and more simply, I need to breath.

That's all for tonight...

This poem is one I read at the Spoken Word event...its unfinished, but at the same time, it works for me on so many levels, in ways it wasn't meant to...

Sufferness

We keep our heads up tall,
Backs still against a wall, the shelling took away our ceiling, so now we’re closer to heaven,
My children no longer play in streets, afraid what might fall from the sky, cause its no longer angels,
And our lives seem tangled, images of bodies mangled in streets slowly turning red and we say goodbye to the dead everyday,
But we press on, our legacy birthing a nation of soldiers, strong backs and broad shoulders, made to fight wars but taught to caress their children, we live to suffer, we live to grieve, we live to need and plant seeds, we live to breath, just a little more,
We ask not for your compassion or understanding, just don’t sit their pretending you’re comprehending, I live in fear everyday, but I still live, you live in monetary jail cells and to feel better you give, ten percent, let it bleed, the needs of the poor become your good deeds, don’t tell me I’m wrong cause I can read the guilt in your tears
And our only weapons now are our cries,
Sometimes we cry for mercy, sometimes we cry curses, but never the deaths of others,
Never for demanded cars to be hearses,
And we are never factored into the plans, just small red x’s, like on trees, and they expect us to flee, and now they wonder why we have no homes, why we become nomads in our own lands
Our hands are still aching
And my children are surviving off of pictures of their mother, and stories I tell, but I can no longer find happy endings, I can no longer find any endings, because I will not let them believe that things are finished, the conclusion is yet to come, and you can take back your illusions
I will no longer let other people define my history, let my life be a cultural mystery, I will not be the next fade or the new cause, because my people always sleep with one eye open, fearing the person next door
So I don’t want your tears anymore, and I don’t want you to fear for me,
I’m resigned to fighting alone, I will rise up from my ancestor’s bones and let fate lead my spirit,
You don’t understand so please don’t call me a soldier, and don’t think I die for things in vain, don’t think I will remain another statistic,
And I know what you’re thinking, he’s finding answers in ballistics,
No,
I will not go that road, and let you know me only in a headlines, and let writers grab bylines at my expense,
What I do I do for my people,
My people, my land, my family, my home, give me reason and I’ll stop, give me freedom and I will rest,
Give me something more than just your attention

I still hate the Indian restuarant cause the've treated me like crap every time I've been there, but the salt ain't as bad anymore.

How many times can you let yourself get hurt and when does it become a matter of dignity?

salt in the wound....salt in the wound...I hate the Indian restaurant.

So this day has not come anywhere near close to what I had envisioned. My Valentine "project" didn't work out I guess. And now I need to go console a friend. It's never good to have Valentine's day on the same day as a college holiday. A day off on Valentine's Day means some afternoon drinking...

What is so wrong with going up to a girl and saying that she is beautiful? Is that so bad? Can't someone appreciate that another person is beautiful? Anna says that it goes against all social convention. I say this because a couple weekends ago, while drunk, I went up to a girl and told her she was beautiful. I wasn't trying to get with her, I just wanted to tell her that I thought she was beautiful. Anyways, I guess that blew up in my face.

Anyways, this is all coming to a head because of this other girl. Fuck me.