My Parents
So my last post got cut short cause my I had to go pick up my mom, etc. etc. My parents were here in Cali over the 4th and my mom stayed a couple extra days. It was a little difficult cause I had to change my schedule around a bit to accommodate my mom, but I'm glad she stayed. It was nice to see her and my dad. I don't get along with them that well. I don't really get along with my family that well. I've been realizing this a lot lately. I'm not very real with them either. They don't know that much about me cause I hide it from them and don't let them in. I guess I've had a couple revelations in the last day or two that i need to express.

I tend to push people away a lot. Being at the EDGE (EDGE is the college-group at Newsong Church) has really helped me realize this. I always piss and moan to friends about girls and how I want someone to share life with, but I've realized that one of the reasons that doesn't happen is because I don't let it. Subconsciously I think I know that I'm not ready for that in my life. I need to learn to share myself with the people already around me, especially family, before I can even think about being able to share myself on an intimate level with a significant other. I'm a very dramatic person, especially in my imagination and I've run this "movie scenario" (as I like to call it) through my head before where my significant other breaks up with me (in a rainy scene underneath streetlights, of course). She tells me that we can't be together cause I need to find myself first. I'm using the relationship to define myself when what I really need to first is define myself as a person, alone, single, stripped down, before I can share myself with her. It's all pretty stupid and melodramatic, but seems right for the state of mind I'm in.

Sometimes people say that the best way for a girl to judge a guy is by how he treats his mother cause that is how he will treat her. I've always scoffed at that cause I want to say, "Wait, the relationship with my mom is different. We don't understand each other, but that's not my fault. It's hers." I guess that conversation would speak volumes to the girl as how our relationship would turn out. It does hurt me that I don't know a lot about my parents and vice versa. I guess it's just the way its always worked. Our relationship has been sustained, but mostly through mechanical maintenance. We know how to make the machine work and get through the day, but we never worked on the efficiency; we never tried to make the machine do new things. We found one thing that worked and stuck with that.

It kind of all goes back to how I used to have a lot of trouble saying "I love you" to my parents. I always assumed it was a given cause for a while, they just assumed I could take care of myself and our whole relationship seemed like a given. So did the "I love you." Suddenly they started saying it a lot, signing e-mails with it, etc. It really struck me cause I wasn't sure how to respond. One time my dad sent me an e-mail saying basically, "Hi. How are you? We miss you. Love, Dad." I think that e-mail made me cry. It was just too weird, my parents being very emotional towards me cause growing up, I kind of pushed them away. As a little kid, I was embarrassed by the gushy parents and pushed them away. I know I'm not the only person who did that. It just stuck for too long.

So what do I do about the situation with my parents? I don't know. I'd like to be real with them, let them know what's going on in my life, more than just the every day "school is good. lots of homework." conversation. But I'm afraid they will not understand me. Maybe I don't give them enough credit. I assume the first-generation/second-generation differences are a huge barrier but I don't think I've tested those enough. To be real with them I need to be willing to take a risk. For now, small steps.

Newsong
On another note, I need to say how much I love Newsong and the people there. They truly are a blessing on my life and it is just so strange how all the things involving Newsong and California play out. I'm not saying everything is perfect, but I feel comfortable calling Newsong one of my homes. I know, Eric back in church...what is that? How long will it last? I'll probably fall back in the same rut when I get back to Williams, so is this summer of Newsong worth it? It's funny how Sandy keeps asking me if I regret going to Williams. She keeps forgetting that she asks me and then asks again, kind of like something in the back of my head pulling at me, asking me to really think through the question. Of course I just want to say, of course I don't regret my decision. I'm happy at Williams. And I am happy there, on some levels. But I don't know if the excuse of, "well the people make up for it" is enough anymore. I had the same feeling last summer, that I'd consider switching schools just to be in California and close enough to attend Newsong on a regular basis. How crazy is that? To switch schools for a church? But even though I fell away from God and religion over this past school year, I was still reminded of Newsong because of the community here. I didn't meet that many people last summer and didn't make that many deep connections, but some people still cared enough to keep up with me through either e-mail, AIM, or my blog and checked on me when things were looking bad. Its the little things.

So its another summer at Newsong and I'm in a small group. And I stress the word small. My small group today consisted of me, my leader, and one other guy. Not what I expected and I was a little disappointed at Newsong. For the first couple of hours, I though Summer Slam was very poorly planned and I kind of felt like this was not the Newsong that I knew, but then Brian gave the message, we sang, we worshiped, we prayed...it felt good. There is a sense that you are connected to everyone in the room even though you don't even know any of them, not even their names. Its a good feeling...an amazing feeling..a feeling a miss. We also commissioned to mission teams that are leaving for China and Guatemala this weekend. It was pretty amazing. I'm a little apprehensive about talking about religion on my blog, just cause most people who probably read this blog don't even know me as a Christian cause its been a nonexistent part of my life in college and even to any of my friends outside of EFCTC, but I felt the Spirit moving tonight. Almost brought to tears by a damn song. "Wonderful Maker," the same song we sang at Sunday service. The song really hit me on Sunday and in the back of my head, I was still thinking about it and then Bam!, we're singing it today at the EDGE. It's just another one of those crazy things about Cali and Newsong...another one of those coincidences.

I don't know where this experience at Newsong this summer will take me. I like the people there. I want to spend more time putting myself out there and getting to know the people, but I'm still having trouble letting them get to know me. There's still this barrier, some layer of taboo things that I won't let into the conversation. And then I realize how untruthful I am being to others and to myself. I guess I shouldn't be ashamed of anything I've done or do. The only thing that makes me ashamed is the standards other people have, right?

I guess that's enough of all that right now. Need some sleep.

People I miss right now: Ben, Karen, Candice, Aron, Reena, Margo, Di, Romina, Loren, Sam, Amber