So first thing back from Thanksgiving Break and I get sick. I felt like shit on Sunday, completely exhausted. I was barely able to stand in line at the snack bar; I felt like I was about to faint. And then I woke up this morning with shooting pains in my right arm, no to mention the fact that my sleep last night was less than pleasurable. I was so confused when I woke up this morning, feeling like I couldn't distinguish the dream from reality. Not really how I wanted to start my two weeks of "finals hell."

Anyways, I went to a talk tonight which dealt partially on ideas of Taoism and then on general ideas of spiritualism. Intertwined with a talk on AIM with a friend about spiritualism and religion, I got to thinking about my own spirituality. Since I've kind of "given up" to some degree on organized religion, I wonder if I am still spiritual. For most of my life, my spirituality was directly linked to my religion and now that I am no longer officially practicing religion, does that mean I've lost that piece of spirituality in my life? I really don't have a concrete answer yet. I think spirituality is strongly linked to self-awareness and being able to deconstruct one's relationship with the world and the universe as a whole. Have I been in deep meditation lately regarding these ideas? Probably not, but they are on the edge of my thoughts usually. I think the most interesting idea brought up tonight by the speaker I went to was the idea of clearing your mind of all things, of throwing everything into the fire before entering into prayer. Now these ideas are not really new, much of it was just a reminder of the stuff I learned on my Zen trip to Hawaii last year, but the idea of clearing yourself of all things before entering into prayer, that really got me thinking. I mean, how many people actually do that?

Prayer is so conditioned. You pray before meals and you pray before bed and maybe when you wake up; the only other times you pray are usually when you are in need (I know this is a vast generalization, but I think it holds some truth.) Now I'm no Christian scholar, but I'm reminded of something I read or learned way back in Sunday school about how when you pray to God, you don't need to ask for anything, because he knows all your needs in advance, etc. etc., But if what Mr. Saso said tonight is true, if you are supposed to go into prayer, completely devoid of all thought, then you wouldn't be thinking of anything and thus would not be able to ask God for anything. For him to answer your prayers, he'd have to know what you needed without you verbalizing it in prayer. Hmmm...that seems to fit with what I learned in Sunday school. It makes sense when compared to other religions, especially East Asian ones where you go into meditation (i.e. prayer) with a cleared mind and you are supposed to experience enlightenment or the great spirits (or in comparison to Christianity, God). Funny how all these religions intersect. A great point Mr. Saso brought up tonight was that the reason there seems to be so many similarities between different religions is very logical because we are all humans and thus would approach issues of spirituality in similar ways.

Anyways, I just thought this whole idea of clearing your mind of all thoughts, of throwing all your things into the fire to detach yourself from this world was really interesting. I mean, if you are supposed to pray that way, then most of the world is probably praying wrong. If you pray in such an organized fashion like before meals to give thanks, there is no way to have a clear mind. And then if you pray when in need, your mind is not clear, but rather focused on the problem at hand. This reminds me again about my Zen experience. We were taught to live in the moment, to let the things in the past fall away and not think about the future because it hasn't happened yet. In a sense, we were taught to detach ourselves from the world and the constraints of the world, to keep our minds clear and experience things as we experienced them. Seems a little similar to the idea of prayer, just pray, not because you are in need and worrying about the past and future, pray to pray, to experience God, Enlightenment, or whatever you want to call it.

Last thing, the idea of being able to throw all aspects of yourself in to the fire was very intriguing. It got me thinking about how, even to people we are so close to, we pick and chose what we want to reveal to them about ourselves. Why do we do this? Are we ashamed of who we are? Are we ashamed of what they might think of us? About their judgement? I've said it many times in this blog before, but I continually hope that this blog acts less as a "what I did today" for my friends to read, but more of a continual open book about myself that people can read and pull out things about me that they might not figure out fro an initial interaction with me. Ya know?

Anyways, back to work.

What TV Has Taught Me

I've been in a really weird mood lately. A lot of things going through my head, but something keeps blocking me from writing it down. Its funny, this whole blogging thing. I still don't understand it, the why behind it all. But for me, I found some consolation in that it keeps me writing. If I learned anything from my writing classes it is that you need to write constantly, no matter what it is. And I've come to the conclusion that constantly writing doesn't make you a better writer because you learn to use a better vocabulary or that you learn better grammar or anything technical. It's all about finding your voice, but even more specifically, its about finding your self. After a certain point, you realize you can no longer write bullshit and the real truths come out. That's what strikes people as good writing: honesty. I've tried very hard to find out what makes a good writer and I give credit to creativity, but then I ask myself why I like crap sitcoms, why I'm drawn to cornball movies and things like that and a lot of it has to do with the honesty I find in them. Yes, I watch a lot of TV. It's not the best habit in the world, but I really love TV. No matter how bad it gets, I love TV and movies. Its because I always found something decent to take from it all.

Recently I've been watching a lot of TV and a lot of cornball sitcoms, at really odd hours, like 3 am. 3 am is prime time for sitcom reruns. Every channel has some sitcom in syndication. It's even more disturbing when I can find 3 different episodes of 'Home Improvement' airing on 3 different channels at the same time. But my conclusion is that every one will always constantly struggle with finding themselves and what they believe in. Where did these wonderful conclusion come from? Well a combination of 'Home Improvement', 'That 70's Show,' and of course, the classic 'Boy Meets World.' Where does this whole rant lead to? I guess it has to do with this whole dazed feeling I've been in since I got back from Chicago. Chicago was great. I have so much fun every time I visit everyone at Northwestern. Its even stranger because a lot of my other friends and family always tell me that their best friends came from college, but I can't seem to shake these high school friends and I can't seem to find anything at college that compares to these people. Wayzata sucked, but I guess my friends from there make up for it all. Especially the friends that, even though I will be an ass about keeping in touch, will find me on IM or something and send me a nice hello or an "I miss you."

Anyways, Chicago was just a long week of partying and reminiscing (see Chicago insert below,) but since I've been back in California, I've felt very displaced. I love California for the weather, for the cool people I've meet and for the chance to spend time with my family out here, but I get this strange feeling that it isn't right...at least not completely. I actually am excited to go home next week. I think I've been here too long or at least, I've been with some people for too long. That feeling of needing to be alone has sunk in again. I love my brother and sister, but I need to get away. I need that ability to just go off whenever I feel like it. I need that ability to do jack shit and the next second go do something crazy. It's not like my brother and sister stop me from doing that, but I feel like I have a responsibility to be...there...to act as though I'm not a hotel guest, but a family member, which is weird cause I really haven't had to do that for the last few years. Being at school, being independent makes it very hard to go back to being dependent. All this leads to some conclusions I've made on marriage.

This summer has been different than last summer mostly because now my brother is married. I love Sandy (my sister-in-law) but at the same time, I feel like I am intruding in their house which is why I have this nagging responsibility when I live with them. I'm not a roommate who can go freely and do whatever the hell I want. But marriage...its a beautiful things, but at the same time, it can be so damn boring. All my thought on marriage are not just influenced by my brother, but by all the other marriages I see around me and this book I'm reading. Marriage allows you to never be alone; it allows you to be bored together. Yes, there is an inherent beauty in compromise between people and the ability to share moments with another person, but as I said early about my choice at this moment to find myself before I find someone else, this opportunity to live with my brother and sister this summer has really showed me even more so that I have this inherent desire to be alone. I get cravings to be just alone. I get cravings to just leave everything and everyone behind. I have contemplated taking a year off, just traveling and not telling anyone where I am. I know, a cruel thing to do, especially to my parents, but I always feel like I can never find time to be alone. That's why I hate my cell phone. People use it more as a way to keep tabs on me. Like just now, my parents called me. They have called me for the last 4 days in a row. I love my parents, but damn, they, as well as everyone else, needs to understand that I need time to be alone sometimes and that one of my biggest pet peeves is people who always ask me what I am doing, where I am, etc. constantly. And sadly, I find myself lying a lot. Oh, "I'm on my way to this place.." when like right now, I'm sitting in a coffee shop. Why don't I just tell people the truth? Because there is always some follow-up question and another. I understand that people care about me and that I have a responsibility to however I am staying with to let them know my whereabouts, but it just gets to me. And its unfair, on my part, because I'm trying to make my relationships one-sided. I'm trying to be in control but not let other people have control.

Damn, that was a long, unfocused rant, but bear with me cause I have a lot to say today and it needs to get out.

Boy Meets World
I've been obsessed with this show lately. It's always on the Disney Channel, so I watch it. No matter how corny it can be, for some reason, it reveals something to me and gives me a longing for what it represents. Last night, I saw the Series Finale of Boy Meets World and in it, Corey Matthews says "Boy Meets World...oh..I get it." Yes, a dumb line, but some truth in it. What do I believe in? Not just religiously, but in general. What do I live for? I really don't know and I don't expect to find a definite answer. But I do realize that lately I haven't been following my dreams. I've resigned myself to following a certain path, to a certain career, to a certain life. As many sitcoms will attest, you need to at least try. I haven't tried. I haven't put the effort forward because I'm deftly afraid of failure. I'm not sure if other people do this, but I am always constantly imagining possible futures for myself, especially what kind of father I will be (or at least want to be.) Its a very strange thing, but it is always on my mind. Its not because I have any issues with my parents about the way they raised me. They did a great job and still do, but I always think of ways to do better. I realize that culturally, there will always be a barrier between me and my parents. But that is not a negative in so much that it just adds to the dynamic of our relationship.

Another thing I do, which I guess is a way to keep me in check just as this blog does for me, is to imagine what I will tell my kids about my life and whether I would be proud to share the whole story with them. Do I regret my actions? Its the same thing I deal with every time I step into church or go to a small group meeting. Can I present myself honestly and be content with it? A quote from the book I'm currently reading says,

"I'm a good person. In most ways. But I'm beginning to think that being a good person in most ways doesn't count for anything very much, if you're a bad person in one way. Because most people are good people, aren't they? Most people want to help others, and if their work doesn't allow them to help others then they do it however they can-by manning the phones at the Samaritans once a month, or going on sponsored walks, or filling in standing orders. It's no good me telling you that I'm a doctor, because I'm only a doctor during weekdays. I've been sleeping with someone other than my husband outside working hours-I'm not so bad that I'd do it inside my working hours- and at the moment, being a doctor can't make up for that, however many rectal boils I look at."

Okay, so not the whole quote applies, but it expresses something I feel every day, with my relationship with my parents, my family, my friends, with God. Am I giving enough? Am I being selfless? What is a measure of goodness? And when does one put limits on themselves? I've been talking about following my dreams and a nagging thought is, "Are these dreams that I am so frustrated about my dreams or are they inspired by God?"

Starting Over
So because of a recent conversation with a close friend and just looking back at this past year, I've been trying to figure out how you start over or if it is even possible to start over with someone. The initial impressions are already formed. And can starting over truly even help? What they see you as, that very thing you want to dispel, is most likely a part of you and even if you started over, it would come through in the end. Can you really change yourself? I had made it a goal to calm myself this summer because as many people know, I'm pretty chill, but when the right buttons are pushed, I can become very excitable and sadly, sometimes the sarcasm and what I call wit (and others see as meanness) comes through a little too much. Can I really calm myself to the point where that is all dormant? Or is that just part of my natural self that will always be with me? Honestly, some people even find that endearing, but I guess my conversation recently showed me differently. I guess I have been viewing things, especially some of my relationships with people with a very distorted lens.

My friend and I were talking, and one way or another, the idea of intimacy in a relationship came up. Not really physical intimacy, but emotional intimacy. I figured we had that, but I guess I was seeing more there than what was actually there. The conversation, which was pretty enjoyable throughout, almost ended on a really bad note. She even asked why our conversations always end up like this, an uneasy ending. I was hurt by that. I guess I never saw it that way or chose not to see it that way. I understand that there was a lot of history behind it all, but I thought it had been resolved. And then I began to think about all the other relationships that I have and wondered if they were in as good of shape as I thought. And as much as I hate to believe it, having a couple of good, solid friends is hard; having a lot of friends is impossible. I don't want to believe that, but its becoming more and more apparent. It hurts to think about that, cause I know so many amazing people and to think that a lot of those relationships just won't last. But I won't give up; I just need to find a way, some formula, some technique to dispel that idea. Where am I going with this? I guess I realize that I have taken many relationships for granted and thankfully many people have been forgiving and have picked up my slack. Wishing to start over is not the solution because it may not be possible, but more so, its just me wanting to run away from a situation and a selfish act because it requires ignoring the emotions and history that are already there.


On My Playlist (surprisingly very few hip hop songs right now):

"The Last Song"- The All-American Rejects
"This Love" and "She Will Be Loved"- Maroon 5
Songs by Boomkat
Songs by The Postal Service
"Wonderful Maker"- Matt Redman
"How You Like That"- Beyonce ft. Jay-Z
Various Hip Hop Instrumentals

My Parents
So my last post got cut short cause my I had to go pick up my mom, etc. etc. My parents were here in Cali over the 4th and my mom stayed a couple extra days. It was a little difficult cause I had to change my schedule around a bit to accommodate my mom, but I'm glad she stayed. It was nice to see her and my dad. I don't get along with them that well. I don't really get along with my family that well. I've been realizing this a lot lately. I'm not very real with them either. They don't know that much about me cause I hide it from them and don't let them in. I guess I've had a couple revelations in the last day or two that i need to express.

I tend to push people away a lot. Being at the EDGE (EDGE is the college-group at Newsong Church) has really helped me realize this. I always piss and moan to friends about girls and how I want someone to share life with, but I've realized that one of the reasons that doesn't happen is because I don't let it. Subconsciously I think I know that I'm not ready for that in my life. I need to learn to share myself with the people already around me, especially family, before I can even think about being able to share myself on an intimate level with a significant other. I'm a very dramatic person, especially in my imagination and I've run this "movie scenario" (as I like to call it) through my head before where my significant other breaks up with me (in a rainy scene underneath streetlights, of course). She tells me that we can't be together cause I need to find myself first. I'm using the relationship to define myself when what I really need to first is define myself as a person, alone, single, stripped down, before I can share myself with her. It's all pretty stupid and melodramatic, but seems right for the state of mind I'm in.

Sometimes people say that the best way for a girl to judge a guy is by how he treats his mother cause that is how he will treat her. I've always scoffed at that cause I want to say, "Wait, the relationship with my mom is different. We don't understand each other, but that's not my fault. It's hers." I guess that conversation would speak volumes to the girl as how our relationship would turn out. It does hurt me that I don't know a lot about my parents and vice versa. I guess it's just the way its always worked. Our relationship has been sustained, but mostly through mechanical maintenance. We know how to make the machine work and get through the day, but we never worked on the efficiency; we never tried to make the machine do new things. We found one thing that worked and stuck with that.

It kind of all goes back to how I used to have a lot of trouble saying "I love you" to my parents. I always assumed it was a given cause for a while, they just assumed I could take care of myself and our whole relationship seemed like a given. So did the "I love you." Suddenly they started saying it a lot, signing e-mails with it, etc. It really struck me cause I wasn't sure how to respond. One time my dad sent me an e-mail saying basically, "Hi. How are you? We miss you. Love, Dad." I think that e-mail made me cry. It was just too weird, my parents being very emotional towards me cause growing up, I kind of pushed them away. As a little kid, I was embarrassed by the gushy parents and pushed them away. I know I'm not the only person who did that. It just stuck for too long.

So what do I do about the situation with my parents? I don't know. I'd like to be real with them, let them know what's going on in my life, more than just the every day "school is good. lots of homework." conversation. But I'm afraid they will not understand me. Maybe I don't give them enough credit. I assume the first-generation/second-generation differences are a huge barrier but I don't think I've tested those enough. To be real with them I need to be willing to take a risk. For now, small steps.

Newsong
On another note, I need to say how much I love Newsong and the people there. They truly are a blessing on my life and it is just so strange how all the things involving Newsong and California play out. I'm not saying everything is perfect, but I feel comfortable calling Newsong one of my homes. I know, Eric back in church...what is that? How long will it last? I'll probably fall back in the same rut when I get back to Williams, so is this summer of Newsong worth it? It's funny how Sandy keeps asking me if I regret going to Williams. She keeps forgetting that she asks me and then asks again, kind of like something in the back of my head pulling at me, asking me to really think through the question. Of course I just want to say, of course I don't regret my decision. I'm happy at Williams. And I am happy there, on some levels. But I don't know if the excuse of, "well the people make up for it" is enough anymore. I had the same feeling last summer, that I'd consider switching schools just to be in California and close enough to attend Newsong on a regular basis. How crazy is that? To switch schools for a church? But even though I fell away from God and religion over this past school year, I was still reminded of Newsong because of the community here. I didn't meet that many people last summer and didn't make that many deep connections, but some people still cared enough to keep up with me through either e-mail, AIM, or my blog and checked on me when things were looking bad. Its the little things.

So its another summer at Newsong and I'm in a small group. And I stress the word small. My small group today consisted of me, my leader, and one other guy. Not what I expected and I was a little disappointed at Newsong. For the first couple of hours, I though Summer Slam was very poorly planned and I kind of felt like this was not the Newsong that I knew, but then Brian gave the message, we sang, we worshiped, we prayed...it felt good. There is a sense that you are connected to everyone in the room even though you don't even know any of them, not even their names. Its a good feeling...an amazing feeling..a feeling a miss. We also commissioned to mission teams that are leaving for China and Guatemala this weekend. It was pretty amazing. I'm a little apprehensive about talking about religion on my blog, just cause most people who probably read this blog don't even know me as a Christian cause its been a nonexistent part of my life in college and even to any of my friends outside of EFCTC, but I felt the Spirit moving tonight. Almost brought to tears by a damn song. "Wonderful Maker," the same song we sang at Sunday service. The song really hit me on Sunday and in the back of my head, I was still thinking about it and then Bam!, we're singing it today at the EDGE. It's just another one of those crazy things about Cali and Newsong...another one of those coincidences.

I don't know where this experience at Newsong this summer will take me. I like the people there. I want to spend more time putting myself out there and getting to know the people, but I'm still having trouble letting them get to know me. There's still this barrier, some layer of taboo things that I won't let into the conversation. And then I realize how untruthful I am being to others and to myself. I guess I shouldn't be ashamed of anything I've done or do. The only thing that makes me ashamed is the standards other people have, right?

I guess that's enough of all that right now. Need some sleep.

People I miss right now: Ben, Karen, Candice, Aron, Reena, Margo, Di, Romina, Loren, Sam, Amber

I'm losing faith. I think I've close to lost my faith in organized religion. Not saying I lost faith in God, but faith in the machine that pushes the Word. I agree with Reid when he said that church is scary because people are too nice. And maybe it is the jaded part of our personalities that doesn't allow us to trust, but the truth us, I trust most people, but fuck, you always end up getting hurt. Most important truth I've learned lately is that you can't avoid hurt. You can try to prevent, but that only works to a certain extent. The best thing is being able to heal after the hurt.

Playing games, or the game specifically, is such bullshit. I mean, for me, I got no clue how the fucking game even works, and I don't want to know. It really is bullshit. I'd rather have everything upfront in life. The mystery has been too romanticized. I mean, why beat around the bush about things, when it can keep you from getting to those wonderful moments? Damn, with no class or finals anymore, I'm having too much time to think and ponder all this shit. But I guess that is what I will be doing over break, looking for greater, simpler truths. I keep joking that I will come back from this Zen training in Hawaii a better, calmer, more enlightened person. I joke, but I really hope it is true. Alright, time to go hang with my ghetto child, Ingrid.

I am so excited. Tonight's small group was amazing and saddening. I had a really good time, but was also very sad because this was most likely the last time I will be able to go to small group. I'll be heading home soon, but I might come back to SoCal near the end of August so maybe I can see my S3 buddies again. But on another note, I am so excited for the National Poetry Slam next week. I cannot wait and I feel so overwhelmed because there are so many events that I want to go to, so many people I want to see, and so little time. Also, I feel a little uninformed about the whole event, but here's hoping it all goes well.
One very important thing that I took away from tonight's small group is doing things for God rather than for myself. A very tough thing to do and something I rarely think of, especially when I am working. Its hard for me to fathom right now how most of my previous jobs could have been done for God. Something to think about.

So I went to small group tonight and though I still feel out of place there, since I'm not a UCI kid, I still feel very at home there. I'm not sure what it is, but being at small group gives me a lot of peace. I continually look forward to going there and though I don't know everyone in my group very well, I wish I did. Sadly, I am slow to get to know people and open up. It makes me sad to think that I only have one more time with them all. I think that small group and Newsong are things that I will really miss about California. I have even thought about moving to Irvine, just so I could go to church at Newsong. Its not like Newsong is the greatest church on the planet, but something has drawn me to it. Maybe its God. All I know, its the first time I have consistently gone to church in over a year and a half.

On another note, I find myself continually questioning where my life is going. I can't seem to figure out what I want to do once I leave college or if continuing in college is the right step for me. I still value a good education, but when I think of the possibilities of jobs for me, very few come to mind. I find it hard for me to do much unless it involves creating something, something physical, something tangible. I thought I had resolved my issues with college and Williams, but it seems that was false hope. I guess my college career just hasn't lived up to what I had imagined. Partly, I always thought that I would go to a school that I was totally sure of, but I'm not totally sure of Williams. Sometimes I wonder why I didn't go to NYU or Berkeley. I guess the small school and isolation is getting to me. I just can't stand how apathetic the student body is at Williams. Also, though I used to love the party/drinking lifestyle of Williams, I am becoming less inclined toward it. Partly because of the new stirrings in my spiritual life, but also because I realize that that lifestyle is not real. There is so much fake shit in the world and it's sad how much time we have to spend sifting through it to find those small pieces of truth.