What TV Has Taught Me
I've been in a really weird mood lately. A lot of things going through my head, but something keeps blocking me from writing it down. Its funny, this whole blogging thing. I still don't understand it, the why behind it all. But for me, I found some consolation in that it keeps me writing. If I learned anything from my writing classes it is that you need to write constantly, no matter what it is. And I've come to the conclusion that constantly writing doesn't make you a better writer because you learn to use a better vocabulary or that you learn better grammar or anything technical. It's all about finding your voice, but even more specifically, its about finding your self. After a certain point, you realize you can no longer write bullshit and the real truths come out. That's what strikes people as good writing: honesty. I've tried very hard to find out what makes a good writer and I give credit to creativity, but then I ask myself why I like crap sitcoms, why I'm drawn to cornball movies and things like that and a lot of it has to do with the honesty I find in them. Yes, I watch a lot of TV. It's not the best habit in the world, but I really love TV. No matter how bad it gets, I love TV and movies. Its because I always found something decent to take from it all.
Recently I've been watching a lot of TV and a lot of cornball sitcoms, at really odd hours, like 3 am. 3 am is prime time for sitcom reruns. Every channel has some sitcom in syndication. It's even more disturbing when I can find 3 different episodes of 'Home Improvement' airing on 3 different channels at the same time. But my conclusion is that every one will always constantly struggle with finding themselves and what they believe in. Where did these wonderful conclusion come from? Well a combination of 'Home Improvement', 'That 70's Show,' and of course, the classic 'Boy Meets World.' Where does this whole rant lead to? I guess it has to do with this whole dazed feeling I've been in since I got back from Chicago. Chicago was great. I have so much fun every time I visit everyone at Northwestern. Its even stranger because a lot of my other friends and family always tell me that their best friends came from college, but I can't seem to shake these high school friends and I can't seem to find anything at college that compares to these people. Wayzata sucked, but I guess my friends from there make up for it all. Especially the friends that, even though I will be an ass about keeping in touch, will find me on IM or something and send me a nice hello or an "I miss you."
Anyways, Chicago was just a long week of partying and reminiscing (see Chicago insert below,) but since I've been back in California, I've felt very displaced. I love California for the weather, for the cool people I've meet and for the chance to spend time with my family out here, but I get this strange feeling that it isn't right...at least not completely. I actually am excited to go home next week. I think I've been here too long or at least, I've been with some people for too long. That feeling of needing to be alone has sunk in again. I love my brother and sister, but I need to get away. I need that ability to just go off whenever I feel like it. I need that ability to do jack shit and the next second go do something crazy. It's not like my brother and sister stop me from doing that, but I feel like I have a responsibility to be...there...to act as though I'm not a hotel guest, but a family member, which is weird cause I really haven't had to do that for the last few years. Being at school, being independent makes it very hard to go back to being dependent. All this leads to some conclusions I've made on marriage.
This summer has been different than last summer mostly because now my brother is married. I love Sandy (my sister-in-law) but at the same time, I feel like I am intruding in their house which is why I have this nagging responsibility when I live with them. I'm not a roommate who can go freely and do whatever the hell I want. But marriage...its a beautiful things, but at the same time, it can be so damn boring. All my thought on marriage are not just influenced by my brother, but by all the other marriages I see around me and this book I'm reading. Marriage allows you to never be alone; it allows you to be bored together. Yes, there is an inherent beauty in compromise between people and the ability to share moments with another person, but as I said early about my choice at this moment to find myself before I find someone else, this opportunity to live with my brother and sister this summer has really showed me even more so that I have this inherent desire to be alone. I get cravings to be just alone. I get cravings to just leave everything and everyone behind. I have contemplated taking a year off, just traveling and not telling anyone where I am. I know, a cruel thing to do, especially to my parents, but I always feel like I can never find time to be alone. That's why I hate my cell phone. People use it more as a way to keep tabs on me. Like just now, my parents called me. They have called me for the last 4 days in a row. I love my parents, but damn, they, as well as everyone else, needs to understand that I need time to be alone sometimes and that one of my biggest pet peeves is people who always ask me what I am doing, where I am, etc. constantly. And sadly, I find myself lying a lot. Oh, "I'm on my way to this place.." when like right now, I'm sitting in a coffee shop. Why don't I just tell people the truth? Because there is always some follow-up question and another. I understand that people care about me and that I have a responsibility to however I am staying with to let them know my whereabouts, but it just gets to me. And its unfair, on my part, because I'm trying to make my relationships one-sided. I'm trying to be in control but not let other people have control.
Damn, that was a long, unfocused rant, but bear with me cause I have a lot to say today and it needs to get out.
Boy Meets World
I've been obsessed with this show lately. It's always on the Disney Channel, so I watch it. No matter how corny it can be, for some reason, it reveals something to me and gives me a longing for what it represents. Last night, I saw the Series Finale of Boy Meets World and in it, Corey Matthews says "Boy Meets World...oh..I get it." Yes, a dumb line, but some truth in it. What do I believe in? Not just religiously, but in general. What do I live for? I really don't know and I don't expect to find a definite answer. But I do realize that lately I haven't been following my dreams. I've resigned myself to following a certain path, to a certain career, to a certain life. As many sitcoms will attest, you need to at least try. I haven't tried. I haven't put the effort forward because I'm deftly afraid of failure. I'm not sure if other people do this, but I am always constantly imagining possible futures for myself, especially what kind of father I will be (or at least want to be.) Its a very strange thing, but it is always on my mind. Its not because I have any issues with my parents about the way they raised me. They did a great job and still do, but I always think of ways to do better. I realize that culturally, there will always be a barrier between me and my parents. But that is not a negative in so much that it just adds to the dynamic of our relationship.
Another thing I do, which I guess is a way to keep me in check just as this blog does for me, is to imagine what I will tell my kids about my life and whether I would be proud to share the whole story with them. Do I regret my actions? Its the same thing I deal with every time I step into church or go to a small group meeting. Can I present myself honestly and be content with it? A quote from the book I'm currently reading says,
Okay, so not the whole quote applies, but it expresses something I feel every day, with my relationship with my parents, my family, my friends, with God. Am I giving enough? Am I being selfless? What is a measure of goodness? And when does one put limits on themselves? I've been talking about following my dreams and a nagging thought is, "Are these dreams that I am so frustrated about my dreams or are they inspired by God?"
Starting Over
So because of a recent conversation with a close friend and just looking back at this past year, I've been trying to figure out how you start over or if it is even possible to start over with someone. The initial impressions are already formed. And can starting over truly even help? What they see you as, that very thing you want to dispel, is most likely a part of you and even if you started over, it would come through in the end. Can you really change yourself? I had made it a goal to calm myself this summer because as many people know, I'm pretty chill, but when the right buttons are pushed, I can become very excitable and sadly, sometimes the sarcasm and what I call wit (and others see as meanness) comes through a little too much. Can I really calm myself to the point where that is all dormant? Or is that just part of my natural self that will always be with me? Honestly, some people even find that endearing, but I guess my conversation recently showed me differently. I guess I have been viewing things, especially some of my relationships with people with a very distorted lens.
My friend and I were talking, and one way or another, the idea of intimacy in a relationship came up. Not really physical intimacy, but emotional intimacy. I figured we had that, but I guess I was seeing more there than what was actually there. The conversation, which was pretty enjoyable throughout, almost ended on a really bad note. She even asked why our conversations always end up like this, an uneasy ending. I was hurt by that. I guess I never saw it that way or chose not to see it that way. I understand that there was a lot of history behind it all, but I thought it had been resolved. And then I began to think about all the other relationships that I have and wondered if they were in as good of shape as I thought. And as much as I hate to believe it, having a couple of good, solid friends is hard; having a lot of friends is impossible. I don't want to believe that, but its becoming more and more apparent. It hurts to think about that, cause I know so many amazing people and to think that a lot of those relationships just won't last. But I won't give up; I just need to find a way, some formula, some technique to dispel that idea. Where am I going with this? I guess I realize that I have taken many relationships for granted and thankfully many people have been forgiving and have picked up my slack. Wishing to start over is not the solution because it may not be possible, but more so, its just me wanting to run away from a situation and a selfish act because it requires ignoring the emotions and history that are already there.
On My Playlist (surprisingly very few hip hop songs right now):
"The Last Song"- The All-American Rejects
"This Love" and "She Will Be Loved"- Maroon 5
Songs by Boomkat
Songs by The Postal Service
"Wonderful Maker"- Matt Redman
"How You Like That"- Beyonce ft. Jay-Z
Various Hip Hop Instrumentals
Recently I've been watching a lot of TV and a lot of cornball sitcoms, at really odd hours, like 3 am. 3 am is prime time for sitcom reruns. Every channel has some sitcom in syndication. It's even more disturbing when I can find 3 different episodes of 'Home Improvement' airing on 3 different channels at the same time. But my conclusion is that every one will always constantly struggle with finding themselves and what they believe in. Where did these wonderful conclusion come from? Well a combination of 'Home Improvement', 'That 70's Show,' and of course, the classic 'Boy Meets World.' Where does this whole rant lead to? I guess it has to do with this whole dazed feeling I've been in since I got back from Chicago. Chicago was great. I have so much fun every time I visit everyone at Northwestern. Its even stranger because a lot of my other friends and family always tell me that their best friends came from college, but I can't seem to shake these high school friends and I can't seem to find anything at college that compares to these people. Wayzata sucked, but I guess my friends from there make up for it all. Especially the friends that, even though I will be an ass about keeping in touch, will find me on IM or something and send me a nice hello or an "I miss you."
Anyways, Chicago was just a long week of partying and reminiscing (see Chicago insert below,) but since I've been back in California, I've felt very displaced. I love California for the weather, for the cool people I've meet and for the chance to spend time with my family out here, but I get this strange feeling that it isn't right...at least not completely. I actually am excited to go home next week. I think I've been here too long or at least, I've been with some people for too long. That feeling of needing to be alone has sunk in again. I love my brother and sister, but I need to get away. I need that ability to just go off whenever I feel like it. I need that ability to do jack shit and the next second go do something crazy. It's not like my brother and sister stop me from doing that, but I feel like I have a responsibility to be...there...to act as though I'm not a hotel guest, but a family member, which is weird cause I really haven't had to do that for the last few years. Being at school, being independent makes it very hard to go back to being dependent. All this leads to some conclusions I've made on marriage.
This summer has been different than last summer mostly because now my brother is married. I love Sandy (my sister-in-law) but at the same time, I feel like I am intruding in their house which is why I have this nagging responsibility when I live with them. I'm not a roommate who can go freely and do whatever the hell I want. But marriage...its a beautiful things, but at the same time, it can be so damn boring. All my thought on marriage are not just influenced by my brother, but by all the other marriages I see around me and this book I'm reading. Marriage allows you to never be alone; it allows you to be bored together. Yes, there is an inherent beauty in compromise between people and the ability to share moments with another person, but as I said early about my choice at this moment to find myself before I find someone else, this opportunity to live with my brother and sister this summer has really showed me even more so that I have this inherent desire to be alone. I get cravings to be just alone. I get cravings to just leave everything and everyone behind. I have contemplated taking a year off, just traveling and not telling anyone where I am. I know, a cruel thing to do, especially to my parents, but I always feel like I can never find time to be alone. That's why I hate my cell phone. People use it more as a way to keep tabs on me. Like just now, my parents called me. They have called me for the last 4 days in a row. I love my parents, but damn, they, as well as everyone else, needs to understand that I need time to be alone sometimes and that one of my biggest pet peeves is people who always ask me what I am doing, where I am, etc. constantly. And sadly, I find myself lying a lot. Oh, "I'm on my way to this place.." when like right now, I'm sitting in a coffee shop. Why don't I just tell people the truth? Because there is always some follow-up question and another. I understand that people care about me and that I have a responsibility to however I am staying with to let them know my whereabouts, but it just gets to me. And its unfair, on my part, because I'm trying to make my relationships one-sided. I'm trying to be in control but not let other people have control.
Damn, that was a long, unfocused rant, but bear with me cause I have a lot to say today and it needs to get out.
Boy Meets World
I've been obsessed with this show lately. It's always on the Disney Channel, so I watch it. No matter how corny it can be, for some reason, it reveals something to me and gives me a longing for what it represents. Last night, I saw the Series Finale of Boy Meets World and in it, Corey Matthews says "Boy Meets World...oh..I get it." Yes, a dumb line, but some truth in it. What do I believe in? Not just religiously, but in general. What do I live for? I really don't know and I don't expect to find a definite answer. But I do realize that lately I haven't been following my dreams. I've resigned myself to following a certain path, to a certain career, to a certain life. As many sitcoms will attest, you need to at least try. I haven't tried. I haven't put the effort forward because I'm deftly afraid of failure. I'm not sure if other people do this, but I am always constantly imagining possible futures for myself, especially what kind of father I will be (or at least want to be.) Its a very strange thing, but it is always on my mind. Its not because I have any issues with my parents about the way they raised me. They did a great job and still do, but I always think of ways to do better. I realize that culturally, there will always be a barrier between me and my parents. But that is not a negative in so much that it just adds to the dynamic of our relationship.
Another thing I do, which I guess is a way to keep me in check just as this blog does for me, is to imagine what I will tell my kids about my life and whether I would be proud to share the whole story with them. Do I regret my actions? Its the same thing I deal with every time I step into church or go to a small group meeting. Can I present myself honestly and be content with it? A quote from the book I'm currently reading says,
"I'm a good person. In most ways. But I'm beginning to think that being a good person in most ways doesn't count for anything very much, if you're a bad person in one way. Because most people are good people, aren't they? Most people want to help others, and if their work doesn't allow them to help others then they do it however they can-by manning the phones at the Samaritans once a month, or going on sponsored walks, or filling in standing orders. It's no good me telling you that I'm a doctor, because I'm only a doctor during weekdays. I've been sleeping with someone other than my husband outside working hours-I'm not so bad that I'd do it inside my working hours- and at the moment, being a doctor can't make up for that, however many rectal boils I look at."
Okay, so not the whole quote applies, but it expresses something I feel every day, with my relationship with my parents, my family, my friends, with God. Am I giving enough? Am I being selfless? What is a measure of goodness? And when does one put limits on themselves? I've been talking about following my dreams and a nagging thought is, "Are these dreams that I am so frustrated about my dreams or are they inspired by God?"
Starting Over
So because of a recent conversation with a close friend and just looking back at this past year, I've been trying to figure out how you start over or if it is even possible to start over with someone. The initial impressions are already formed. And can starting over truly even help? What they see you as, that very thing you want to dispel, is most likely a part of you and even if you started over, it would come through in the end. Can you really change yourself? I had made it a goal to calm myself this summer because as many people know, I'm pretty chill, but when the right buttons are pushed, I can become very excitable and sadly, sometimes the sarcasm and what I call wit (and others see as meanness) comes through a little too much. Can I really calm myself to the point where that is all dormant? Or is that just part of my natural self that will always be with me? Honestly, some people even find that endearing, but I guess my conversation recently showed me differently. I guess I have been viewing things, especially some of my relationships with people with a very distorted lens.
My friend and I were talking, and one way or another, the idea of intimacy in a relationship came up. Not really physical intimacy, but emotional intimacy. I figured we had that, but I guess I was seeing more there than what was actually there. The conversation, which was pretty enjoyable throughout, almost ended on a really bad note. She even asked why our conversations always end up like this, an uneasy ending. I was hurt by that. I guess I never saw it that way or chose not to see it that way. I understand that there was a lot of history behind it all, but I thought it had been resolved. And then I began to think about all the other relationships that I have and wondered if they were in as good of shape as I thought. And as much as I hate to believe it, having a couple of good, solid friends is hard; having a lot of friends is impossible. I don't want to believe that, but its becoming more and more apparent. It hurts to think about that, cause I know so many amazing people and to think that a lot of those relationships just won't last. But I won't give up; I just need to find a way, some formula, some technique to dispel that idea. Where am I going with this? I guess I realize that I have taken many relationships for granted and thankfully many people have been forgiving and have picked up my slack. Wishing to start over is not the solution because it may not be possible, but more so, its just me wanting to run away from a situation and a selfish act because it requires ignoring the emotions and history that are already there.
On My Playlist (surprisingly very few hip hop songs right now):
"The Last Song"- The All-American Rejects
"This Love" and "She Will Be Loved"- Maroon 5
Songs by Boomkat
Songs by The Postal Service
"Wonderful Maker"- Matt Redman
"How You Like That"- Beyonce ft. Jay-Z
Various Hip Hop Instrumentals
posted by E at 1:36 AM
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