So this is gonna be a long post since I haven't written anything substantial in a while and I'm also feeling a little down so all I've got motivation to do is write.

First, Asian American Awareness Month is officially over here at Williams! I am so happy....this month has nearly killed me, with the planning, the rushedness, the crazy events...everything has been crazy, but I have to say that everything turned out so well. This month was great and every event, EVERY EVENT, went well and was well attended. I can't ask for more. Though Lil and I have been working a lot this month and this year, with less than full support from people, it's all turned out well and I feel we've done well this year...made some kind of contribution to the community. But I can't stand bitch ass people who think our job is easy. I'm just gonna say it. I'm not gonna let that ruin the good feeling I have for the month. ATP did a great job tonight. Though they got rained out on Thursday, they really showed everyone tonight. The performance was great and everyone involved deserves another round of applause, especially Romina. It's over...relax now. So yes, AASiA has really defined my year this year and consumed it, but I wouldn't change that cause I've made a lot of great friends from it. Just have to make the final push through the end of the year.

And the idea of "making that final push, just make it two more weeks" mentality really bothers me. I want concrete and pure reasons for doing the things that I do. I want to know why the fuck I am doing the stuff that I'm doing. Everyone says I overextend myself and its true. I think its odd that I put my extra curriculars before my school work. Some might say it's because I'm passionate about those things, but I'm slowly coming to the realization that its more that my extra curriculars are things that I can get recognition for. No one congratulates you on your grades or thanks you for the hard work you put in in getting an A. No, grades are yours alone, but all this other shit I do, maybe someday someone will thank me. I think that's what's been underlying my motives lately and I hate that. Why must I be so prideful? I think back to the days in church, always signing about letting my pride fall. Why can't I be so lost in religion to believe in that again? This always seems to happen. When I'm feeling down, I wonder if it's religion that I need to fill the void. I'm still struggling to figure out if religion is just another delusion from reality, which all my activities seem to be. But maybe I should just play dumb and find some happiness that I used to have when I went to church. But anyways, my ego and pride has become a huge source of problems for me. I think that it is the basis for a lot of my motivation to do things. I do a lot of shit on this campus and at the same time, I feel it goes unrecognized. I wonder if the desire for recognition came after doing all this stuff or was the original motivation to do this stuff in the first place. It's so frustrating.

It shouldn't be this way. I shouldn't be questioning myself so much. I'm even questioning my ethics. In all honesty, I know I've done some things this year which were totally unethical. I've got no excuse and nothing I can do change them after the fact. The problem is, they don't bother me as much anymore. I make fun of certain people at school for being really shady in their dealings, but I'm just as bad as them. I've got a long running joke that I can get any parent to like me and it's true. I rarely have a friend who's parents don't like me, even love me. And it's all a facade. If they knew the true me, they wouldn't let me anywhere near their kids. I really wish my image matched reality, but it doesn't and it's something I could change, but I always feel so weak. I know that all this is my life and I can take control, but I never feel strong enough. I just let all the shit continue. I let cycle repeat itself and I feel like I can't get loose. And the even greater problem is that all these cycles are my own creation. Whether it is this cycle that I have with girls, its all me. My reasons for being sad about girls has nothing to do with them. They aren't involved. They may not be living up to my expectations, but they never had to. And that's what makes these horrible cycles hurt even more cause deep down I know they are my own. It's my own self-inflicted pain.

Okay, now that that is out of the system, I figure it's time to attack the situation of girls. I don't have a good history with girls and every time, it seems to get more complicated. I'm not gonna use names, but most people can figure it out. Ah, fuck it. Names. So I think things have settled on the Candice issue. Most people know that I used to like her and I finally told her earlier this year. I'll admit that our relationship has always been a little strange to me. I'm not even sure if I can explain it in words properly. All I know is that I truly love that girl. She's one of my best friends and one of the only people that can make me feel happy just by being there. I don't think I can say that about a lot of people. But yes, I still struggle with how I feel about her cause it's still strange. She's my friend and I see her in that light, but at the same time, I love her as a friend and in another way that I have yet to fully grapple with.

Ummm...things with Karen are better than I thought. Though I barely talk to her still, we're on good terms. Heard from her the other day and keep up with her on her weblog. She was the first and only girl that I liked and something came of that. Probably cause I was just honest with her about how I felt. How much easier life would be for me if I could be as honest as I am here to girls. One of my friends said that that was probably the root of most of my problems, and I'm starting to agree. But yeah, most people don't know it, but Karen was my only girlfriend ever. I'm not really that sad about that fact, but I do regret some of the things I did then. But anyways, we're on good terms which all I could ever ask for.

And now to the most frustrating thing of late...the current girl. Why can't I get over her? I know that she doesn't feel the same way that I feel for her. Why do I keep putting so much effort in? Why do I keep trying, consciously knowing that there is nothing there? She barely acknowledges me and almost every one of my friends tells me to stop but I can't; its the cycle. But something deep inside me says there is something special there. Maybe its because it's been so hard to get to know her. Maybe its that feeling that there is something really special to still discover about her. Or maybe I'm just concocted a really amazing "possibility" in my head this time.
"Possibilities" are such a pain. I was talking to Romina about this the other day; why we like who we like. For me, it usually turns out that I like certain girls for reasons that aren't even really there. I latch on to someone and attribute these good things to them because I want them to be something they're not. I want them to be something that matches me. And I'm discovering that my ideas are not very accurate. It's not like the girls I like are bad people. Totally the opposite. They are all amazing people, but at the same time, I like them for reasons that aren't there. And it hurts. It hurts cause I build them and the possibilities up to such a large degree that when I finally make figure it out, I've strung myself along so much that...ouch. So i guess I haven't come to any consensus on why I like who I like. And I fear that I might have fallen into the same trap with this girl. Part of it is because I never feel like I really know her, but I really do. It's really bad and I'm at the point where I don't know what to do anymore.

I guess on a happier note, I'm becoming good friends with Romina. She's one of the people in my life right now where seeing or talking to her brightens my day. What can I say, its a little shallow, but I need that right now. I'm a little sad that I didn't get to know her better before but I guess timing is everything. She listens, which is nice, isn't yet accustomed to my ranting to have unconsciously blocked it out which sadly has happened with some of my other friends. It happens to everyone though. I'm just as guilty. Another person who has been good at listening to my shit is Jiayang. Yes, at times, she is a little too much for me, but she's one of the only people who consistently talks to me for hours on end. We are each other's therapists, but she's more so mine.

Speaking of therapy, I find myself searching for it more these days. Tonight, Drew commented that it was really strange that he was counseling me cause it's usually the other way around. I replied that it's because I put on a good facade, which makes him think I have it so together, but I don't. Right now, I foresee a total crash soon. I'm over extended, way behind in school, and lack motivation. This lack of motivation is most evident in Chinese. I've missed so many classes this semester that they might as well fail me. I even go and have private meetings with my prof. I go, under the auspices of asking questions about Chinese, but in the end, every time, I end up talking to her about how inadequate I feel and how just lost I feel. It's even stranger in that she is one of the last profs that I thought I would talk to about that. I'm doing the same with my language fellow, Han laoshi, who is seriously one of the nicest guys ever. I think I would have lost all hope for Chinese if it weren't for him. I'm even starting to talk about some of this with my Soc professor, who has been really understanding with the fact that I was supposed to turn in a research paper proposal two weeks ago and still haven't done it.

God...I'm getting really random now. JA stuff...totally stressing me out and at some points, its not even fun anymore. That's all I'm going to say about JA shit. Summer plans...don't want to think about that at all. Almost want to be a bum, which I sort of am now. I'm a poor ass bum. Everyone feels bad for me cause my sneakers are falling apart, my sandals are held together by athletic tape and almost all my jeans have holes and rips which have made them unwearable unless I want to flash or moon people.

Yeah, so I don't know where to go from here. I cried tonight. Not much, but it was one of those crying for no reason things. It weirded me out a lot, but it was also kind of comforting. I guess I need to really figure things out and more simply, I need to breath.

That's all for tonight...

This poem is one I read at the Spoken Word event...its unfinished, but at the same time, it works for me on so many levels, in ways it wasn't meant to...

Sufferness

We keep our heads up tall,
Backs still against a wall, the shelling took away our ceiling, so now we’re closer to heaven,
My children no longer play in streets, afraid what might fall from the sky, cause its no longer angels,
And our lives seem tangled, images of bodies mangled in streets slowly turning red and we say goodbye to the dead everyday,
But we press on, our legacy birthing a nation of soldiers, strong backs and broad shoulders, made to fight wars but taught to caress their children, we live to suffer, we live to grieve, we live to need and plant seeds, we live to breath, just a little more,
We ask not for your compassion or understanding, just don’t sit their pretending you’re comprehending, I live in fear everyday, but I still live, you live in monetary jail cells and to feel better you give, ten percent, let it bleed, the needs of the poor become your good deeds, don’t tell me I’m wrong cause I can read the guilt in your tears
And our only weapons now are our cries,
Sometimes we cry for mercy, sometimes we cry curses, but never the deaths of others,
Never for demanded cars to be hearses,
And we are never factored into the plans, just small red x’s, like on trees, and they expect us to flee, and now they wonder why we have no homes, why we become nomads in our own lands
Our hands are still aching
And my children are surviving off of pictures of their mother, and stories I tell, but I can no longer find happy endings, I can no longer find any endings, because I will not let them believe that things are finished, the conclusion is yet to come, and you can take back your illusions
I will no longer let other people define my history, let my life be a cultural mystery, I will not be the next fade or the new cause, because my people always sleep with one eye open, fearing the person next door
So I don’t want your tears anymore, and I don’t want you to fear for me,
I’m resigned to fighting alone, I will rise up from my ancestor’s bones and let fate lead my spirit,
You don’t understand so please don’t call me a soldier, and don’t think I die for things in vain, don’t think I will remain another statistic,
And I know what you’re thinking, he’s finding answers in ballistics,
No,
I will not go that road, and let you know me only in a headlines, and let writers grab bylines at my expense,
What I do I do for my people,
My people, my land, my family, my home, give me reason and I’ll stop, give me freedom and I will rest,
Give me something more than just your attention