Just bombed my Chinese final. I didn't know how to answer half the test.

also, JA selection letters went out today...a lot of unhappy people...

[edit]
8:15 am- Chinese paper done and sent via e-mail
now gonna grab some breakfast, finish my chinese homework, write some more american studies bullshit, go to class, write some more bullshit and then pray
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another all-nighter...

current progress: 100 characters written for a 650+ character essay that was due yesterday at 5 pm. Aiming for finishing it by 12pm today.

3 pages written for american studies paper due last wednesday. aiming for finishing it by 5 pm.

Not much time left and a whole lot of classes and other shit to finish inbetween.

another all-nighter tonight and with the way my schedule is shaping up for tomorrow, it looks like another all-nighter tomorrow as well.

first words of my paper finally written....I want to collapse. I was coughing and fighting myself all-night long. I can't remember if I was awake all-night or dreaming the entire time, but I definitely remember debating my topic with myself....very strange. God help me...

2:08 am and still not a word written for my American studies paper due tomorrow...still not sure if I even have a topic.

Oh my god...how I hate and love committee...4 am and i'm still just starting my homework for tomorrow. give me a snow day or some shit.

Almost 3 am...had a tutorial paper due at noon yesterday...still not one word written...still not finished reading...slowly inching towards my bed....slowly drowning...

Fuck...response paper frantically written in 25 minutes....Chinese presentation in less than an hour and very little done to prepare and a tutorial paper, draft due at noon....research still not even done...not one word written....

Plus, class from 12-4, meetings from 4-7, and then meetings again from 10-2. Can I write and do research for my paper in less than 3 hours?

slowly burning out as i enter the atmosphere

I need a vacation. The stress is getting to me and all I really want to do is be...

Why am i so far behind on my work? I have over 800 pages to read by tomorrow, plus assignments that need to be turned in. Damnit!!!

I need to push myself harder...

(I guess if I really believed that, I'd stay in tonight instead of partying)

A sad moment...the first all-nighter of the semester (classes only started on Thursday). Other than that, quite a wonderful day, except for the morning. Damn Tiffany...j/k
Now some Latin American history, some good old Chinese, and a little "Tom Jones."

I just spent the last half-hour walking around outside. It is so beautiful, one of the most gorgeous snowfalls I've seen in the longest time. I think what made it so amazing is that I'm one of the only people on campus able to enjoy it right now. But yeah, it made my night, which was kind of a sad night cause I almost stayed in Jesup till sunrise again. Anyways, I'm going to try to sleep. Didn't sleep at all last night, though i desperately tried and then this morning had my first case of vertigo where forward became backwards and up became down. Seriously, it freaked me out like no other. No matter how far I leaned forward, I felt like I was falling backwards and whenever I looked up, it felt like my whole body was turning inside out and rotating around my eyeballs like axis points so that up was then down. I also got the shakes today and intense heart palpitations, but those were just momentary things and a friend thinks it has to do with anxiety since I did have a test and presentation today. Anyways...I wanted to go to sleep now, but this snow got me wired.

So I've decided to set up shop in Jesup for the next couple of weeks. I've become very attached to Jesup, which is very disturbing/ I've been here for a total of 8 hours already today and actually enjoyed it all. Hmmm...something is definitely wrong with me, but yes, some of the best things happen in Jesup. I truly love trying to study, sitting next to a guy drinking a beer while he writes his paper.

Another all-nighter. This week has been hell, but let me say for the record, Drew Newman is a god. He's getting me to Albany thankfully.

So I'm in Jesup again and I really don't think I can bring myself to spend another night in here. My body is starting to crash so I think I'm going to give up for the night and sleep for a couple hours and start up again around 6 in the mornin'...goodnight...finally.

Second night this week being in Jesup when the sun is about to rise. It's a sad existence and I can't really say that I've even caught up on work. I'm getting there...slowly...but I think at the cost of my sanity. Not sure if I can keep up this schedule. I do an all-nighter one day, then sleep for like 12 hours the next, and then back to another all-nighter. I also forget to eat breakfast and lunch a lot. I don't think the one meal a day thing is cutting it.

So I've made an effort to make some changes in my life...hopefully for the better. It's been a tough couple of weeks for me and if you've seen me or heard from me lately, you can probably tell. I've been overworked, underslept, and overstressed. But like I said, for once in my life, I've recognized and admitted my limitations and taken steps to make things better. I've had a lot of talks with my profs about my performance in class and I think I've gotten them all on the same page as me which has been really helpful. The Deans, in particular Dean Amy, has been very helpful throughout it all. I've also made an effort to see why I'm tired all the time and hopefully the blood work I'm doing tomorrow will prove helpful. Beyond that, I've just spent some time talking to people honestly about how things are going for me. Hell, I was even pretty upfront with my parents about my problems, which doesn't happen all that often. And I think all the stress is compounded by the fact that this is my junior year, I have so many opportunities in front of me, I'm a JA, and I just don't want to see any of these things fail or fall apart.

But beyond all this stress, I'm trying to become a better student. Lots of small steps which sadly may not see fruition till next semester, but at least I'm making the effort this time. I'm also trying to changing things in my personal life. I realized that because of the stress I was letting myself become way too irritable. I've tried to stay calmer and more relaxed lately and basically just take things as they come. I know there has been a change because some of my frosh have commented on it and they see me a lot so would know. I think when I get a chance to breath (most likely when Winter Study rolls around) I will try to put back into practice the things I learned from Zen training. Winter Study would be a good time to do that since my old Zen master is coming to Williamstown for the month to teach. But yeah, I'm trying to put together a new me and I say 'put together' intentionally because it is something that will take a long time, piece by piece, but it also implies a breaking down of things. That is something I desperately need and have never been able to admit. I need to break the cycle; I need to break those old, self-destructive habits. One in particular is girls. I've spent too much time pining after girls who don't return my affection. My friends always tell me that I choose the wrong girls and that those girls don't deserve the attention I give. I've come to the point where I might no agree with them totally, but for the time being, I'm going to assume they are right. That means no longer making that extra effort anymore only to feel more worthless after spending time with them. That means taking them off my IM list. That means avoiding them to some degree. Yes, this applies to the one girl that most people know about, but it also applies to a lot of other people too. I think being a JA and being isolated from my class, you slowly get to realize the friends who are there, the friends who recognize the position you are in, and still make the effort to see you and support you. I'm not saying my friends aren't supporting me, but I've noticed the deterioration of certain friendships and honestly, I no longer have the time or energy to be the only one trying. So no more. I've talked to a lot of people lately, in particular adults who I respect, and all are in agreement that I need to spend time for me, taking care of myself. This is just one of my steps towards that goal.

I've also had a revelation of some sorts. I realize that a lot of the things that I do, be it academically or extracurricularly, don't really satisfy me anymore or they never satisfied me at all. I need to start taking more control of my life and future and do the things that really make happy, that inspire me and bring me enjoyment. Part of that means me rethinking if I really want to major in econ. I really don't enjoy econ at all. I find it dry and very boring. The applications seems pointless and I feel my time could be better spent. I realized that I'm not inspired or motivated by major and I think by choosing econ because I enjoy the business side of things and wanted to eventually run my own company, I isolated myself and restricted myself and my college experience. Its still something I'm thinking about, but def. will play a role in the classes I sign up for next semester.

So yeah, I'm trying to make a change and trying to attain that goal of pursuing and doing things for me. It's really something I need right now. I new me, a me without you. I know, it sounds stupid and almost a little depressing, but that's where I'm heading right now and though its kind of scary, I need to take that risk and see where it all takes me. I just hope God watches over me and continues to inspire me. Do I believe God will do this? Do I even believe in God? Who knows, but I'll still say it. All I know is that I need something more than this. I still want someone to share moments with and though she may never come here at Williams, I can still dream and wonder, but for now, I choose to stay more grounded in the reality that surrounds me and fully take advantage of all those opportunities.

Chinese test in 9 hours....I'm fucked. On top of that, I just found out that one of my best friends has been dating my frosh for the last couple weeks. I'm so out of the fucking loop.