So I've made an effort to make some changes in my life...hopefully for the better. It's been a tough couple of weeks for me and if you've seen me or heard from me lately, you can probably tell. I've been overworked, underslept, and overstressed. But like I said, for once in my life, I've recognized and admitted my limitations and taken steps to make things better. I've had a lot of talks with my profs about my performance in class and I think I've gotten them all on the same page as me which has been really helpful. The Deans, in particular Dean Amy, has been very helpful throughout it all. I've also made an effort to see why I'm tired all the time and hopefully the blood work I'm doing tomorrow will prove helpful. Beyond that, I've just spent some time talking to people honestly about how things are going for me. Hell, I was even pretty upfront with my parents about my problems, which doesn't happen all that often. And I think all the stress is compounded by the fact that this is my junior year, I have so many opportunities in front of me, I'm a JA, and I just don't want to see any of these things fail or fall apart.

But beyond all this stress, I'm trying to become a better student. Lots of small steps which sadly may not see fruition till next semester, but at least I'm making the effort this time. I'm also trying to changing things in my personal life. I realized that because of the stress I was letting myself become way too irritable. I've tried to stay calmer and more relaxed lately and basically just take things as they come. I know there has been a change because some of my frosh have commented on it and they see me a lot so would know. I think when I get a chance to breath (most likely when Winter Study rolls around) I will try to put back into practice the things I learned from Zen training. Winter Study would be a good time to do that since my old Zen master is coming to Williamstown for the month to teach. But yeah, I'm trying to put together a new me and I say 'put together' intentionally because it is something that will take a long time, piece by piece, but it also implies a breaking down of things. That is something I desperately need and have never been able to admit. I need to break the cycle; I need to break those old, self-destructive habits. One in particular is girls. I've spent too much time pining after girls who don't return my affection. My friends always tell me that I choose the wrong girls and that those girls don't deserve the attention I give. I've come to the point where I might no agree with them totally, but for the time being, I'm going to assume they are right. That means no longer making that extra effort anymore only to feel more worthless after spending time with them. That means taking them off my IM list. That means avoiding them to some degree. Yes, this applies to the one girl that most people know about, but it also applies to a lot of other people too. I think being a JA and being isolated from my class, you slowly get to realize the friends who are there, the friends who recognize the position you are in, and still make the effort to see you and support you. I'm not saying my friends aren't supporting me, but I've noticed the deterioration of certain friendships and honestly, I no longer have the time or energy to be the only one trying. So no more. I've talked to a lot of people lately, in particular adults who I respect, and all are in agreement that I need to spend time for me, taking care of myself. This is just one of my steps towards that goal.

I've also had a revelation of some sorts. I realize that a lot of the things that I do, be it academically or extracurricularly, don't really satisfy me anymore or they never satisfied me at all. I need to start taking more control of my life and future and do the things that really make happy, that inspire me and bring me enjoyment. Part of that means me rethinking if I really want to major in econ. I really don't enjoy econ at all. I find it dry and very boring. The applications seems pointless and I feel my time could be better spent. I realized that I'm not inspired or motivated by major and I think by choosing econ because I enjoy the business side of things and wanted to eventually run my own company, I isolated myself and restricted myself and my college experience. Its still something I'm thinking about, but def. will play a role in the classes I sign up for next semester.

So yeah, I'm trying to make a change and trying to attain that goal of pursuing and doing things for me. It's really something I need right now. I new me, a me without you. I know, it sounds stupid and almost a little depressing, but that's where I'm heading right now and though its kind of scary, I need to take that risk and see where it all takes me. I just hope God watches over me and continues to inspire me. Do I believe God will do this? Do I even believe in God? Who knows, but I'll still say it. All I know is that I need something more than this. I still want someone to share moments with and though she may never come here at Williams, I can still dream and wonder, but for now, I choose to stay more grounded in the reality that surrounds me and fully take advantage of all those opportunities.