Sad News

I found out that a classmate of mine at Williams, Emily Driscoll, passed away in a car accident yesterday in Brooklyn. I didn't know Emily that well, though she was good friends with many of my close friends. She was an amazingly talented artist and always extremely kind. When she graduated, she received an arts fellowship which she used to start an art gallery in Red Hook called WORK.

4:30 am...committee is finally done. Probably one of the toughest, most grueling, and emotional experience I've gone through in a long time. I actually broke down at the end of the meeting tonight; part of it was cause I've slept only 6 hours since Tuesday, honestly. I broke down to tears during committee, and I thought that after the final discussion, after it was all completed, I'd be fine. But as I walked back to my room, I continued to weep. I almost felt like lying in the slowly growing mounds of snow. It was so intense and then I come back to my room to find other things that remind me of my limitations and maybe my character flaws. Why people do certain things and say certain things, I will never know, but I seriously started bawling in my room. I was almost afraid I was going to wake up my frosh. Man, I really need to sleep and take some time to reflect on this experience and tonight. I'm in a hard place right now.

On another note, this is for someone specific, cause I know you read this:

You can keep yourself only so far away from people. The closeness can be painful, but its necessary. The good, the bad, they are all there, but I promise, the good stuff is worth the pain that may come along with it. And as much as we'd like to define ourselves as complete individuals, we cannot forget the people around us who also contribute to making us so beautiful.

You are non-existent to me these days. Sad that that statement applies to many things.

I wish I could say I were happy.

Not much to say right now, but God is taking too much these days...this shouldn't even affect me so much...but it does. Prayers to the Kroll family. Be at peace Bergmann.

So earlier tonight I was saying that I want to cry, but now, seeing as it is 4:30 am and I still have a lot to do, I want to die. I have midterms next week which I am so ill-prepared for. Add on to that my homework for this week, plus all this shit for AASiA, and my days are incredibly long. Oh, did I mention that I'm still sick? I'm coughing every 10 minutes, sometimes so much that I'm afraid my throat might close shut. Anyways, right now I'm trying to put plans together for April and at the top of the list is bringing Jin tha MC to perform. He is quickly becoming the bain of my existence. I spent all night talking to people about him, working out ideas, etc. I didn't get to start my work till like 1:30 am. Tomorrow (or today to be more exact) is going to be hell. I have three classes, then I need to meet witht he head of the Asian Studies dept. to ask for money for AASiA, ask for money for my summer program, and then ask him to sign my study abroad forms. Also need to meet with Prof. Kunzel and ask her for money, go to CASO, have an HC meeting, and then to ACE to present the Jin plan and ask for more money. I'm a fuckin begger.
What's even more painful is all this JA stuff. I find out next week, but it doesn't look good. So many guys applied this year which means the competition is high. Some friends, on the JA selection committee, told me not to worry but I can't stop. I want it so damn bad. God damn! Plus, I need to send in my forms and deposit for ACC by next week, but all the scholarships and grants I'm applying for won't make decisions till April. Need to call home tomorrow to talk things through.

Today was also Pat's funeral. I don't think it has fully hit me. It'd be too much right now if it did. My heart is at home right now, with Keith, Adam, and Erica...I miss you Pat.

Too many people already. Two already passed away in less than a year; it was almost three. I can't take this...

Pat, you will be missed dearly. You were a great neighbor and even greater friend to my family. My prayers go out to the Dahlen family.

So this day has not come anywhere near close to what I had envisioned. My Valentine "project" didn't work out I guess. And now I need to go console a friend. It's never good to have Valentine's day on the same day as a college holiday. A day off on Valentine's Day means some afternoon drinking...

In memoriam...Mr. Lin. You are missed.

I'm flying home tomorrow to take care of some family matters. For now, I really don't wish to say much about it, but I ask for prayers for my family and my new family, the Lin's.

On another note, I'm glad recent events in the past few weeks have made me realize the important of small joys. Small joys like seeing certain people you don't usually see, your friends knowing the right time to say hello and offer a hug, etc. Most of all, pursuing things without caring how stupid I may look in the end or in the process. Though I have talked about giving up on fate, true love, etc. as of late and become really skeptical of the intentions of people in relationships, I'm still that optimistic little kid at heart. No worries.