Wow, two things I have noticed lately and they both revolve around blogging. First, I've been reading people's blogs lately and not just my friends. I've been reading random people's blogs. Why? Cause can be damn interesting. I think the fascination has to do with the fact that it is really hard to get to know people these days. I mean, you really need to invest a lot of time into friendships before people are willing to open up and share themselves and their stories. I guess that is a good thing cause just being willing to tell anyone your story can make you very vulnerable, but isn't that what blogging is all about? I mean, anyone can read your blogs. But I guess the fascination of it all stems from the fact that I feel like I am slowly drifting away from a lot of my friends. A lot of it has to do with distance cause, if you only get to see a person twice a year, it can be really hard to stay close or have the desire to stay close. When an important part of your life is separated from you, you tend to try to find a substitute or a replacement for them. I hate that, especially when I am the one being substituted. I think it is an ego thing, but I always want to be an important part of my friend's lives or at least equivalent to what they are in my life, but things don't always work that way. People have told me that you can only have so many friends and especially a limited number of close friends. I have quite a few friends and a lot of them I consider close friends, mostly because I have a tendency lately to tell people everything that is on my mind. So am I the exception to this rule or are my friendships a lot shallower than I realize? I think the true test comes when distance or absence occurs and you see the affect that has on the relationship. I'm not going to lie. I've tried it before, creating an artificial absence or rift. I know, its an asshole thing to do, but sometimes I'm under the impression that a little distance would help a relationship, ya know, a little time off, but a true and honest friendship doesn't need that because it is during those rough times that a true friendship is shaped and defined.

But back to blogging. I guess reading peoples blogs gives me a chance to see facets of different people that I might never experience solely due to lack of time and lack of time seems to be the greatest enemy lately.

Second, I come to acknowledge the important question of why people blog. Blogging is no different that journaling except for the public aspect of it. So in theory, all bloggers must be exhibitionists in some manner. They want people to see what they write and I lot of people who blog put a lot of personal stuff up. I am no exception. So am I an exhibitionist? I mean, I really have no clue who is reading this. Sometimes it surprises me when I get IMs from people saying, hey, I read your blog the other day. It's scary because you put an imbalance in your relationships with others because now they are privy to more information than you would usually give them access to. But I guess in a sense, knowing that would help censor some of the things you write. But I don't see that as the case. I write pretty freely on this blog and only once have I gone back to an entry to censor it cause I felt like I had said too much, mostly because I was drunk when I wrote it. That is bad. Drunk IMs and e-mails are bad and I have had my share of those, but drunk blogging? Shit, that's just stupid, but at least you have the option of editing. But anyways, I think one of the reasons I blog so freely is because I have the need to write and express myself and sometimes, blogging is the easiest way to get my daily writing in. I really think blogging is therapeutic and keeps me sane. Do I care who reads this? No, because I'm all about trying to keep things upfront and honest so if people know my shit, good for them. In a sense, it helps to keep me accountable to my feelings. Do I sometimes hope that certain people are reading my blogs? Subconsciously, yes. Sometimes I think that when I am blogging I am writing directly to someone who I think is reading the blog. Is that a little cowardly? Hell yes, and I ain't afraid to say that I am coward sometimes. Being upfront all the time is hard and sometimes the indirect route helps you get there.

Okay, enough for the moment. My brother just got back home from Cali. More later I'm sure.