Why do I always want the one thing that i don't need? Oh me.There are so many things to be happy about this year; honestly, it has been a really good year. The entry is amazing, such cool kids, but at the same time, the stresses of junior year have been hitting pretty hard. This is probably one of the worst semesters for me academically. It has been a struggle to keep everything balanced, and I have done a pretty poor job of things. When i get disenchanted with my classes, I start to think that maybe its not the classes, but that I'm in the wrong place or at least pursuing the wrong things. On many levels, I believe that it is true. I'm finding greater joy in things like music and coding web pages; more technical things keep me motived, things that are far more tangible. And then it hits me; amidst all this contemplation on what I want to do with my life, maybe I'm being hindered by my imagination and my detachment from reality. I remember back in first year that I told Kalona that I always went to sleep imagining something, like i was a rap star, actor, married, etc. I went to bed imagining something and she said that was the coolest thing cause I ended the day doing something that I wanted to do, ended the day on a nice note. I used to agree, but I'm beginning to feel like my head is way too far rooted in the non-reality and it makes it hard for me to see what is right there. Probably many missed opportunities just because I was imagining something else, imagining things where nothing existed and placing all my energy there.

Where does all this ranting lead to? Obviously to the conversation about relationships. If you ever ask me, I'll usually tell you that being single has many good things to it, but if I had the chance to be in a relationship, I'd jump at it. God, how many times have tried to imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship, a good one. I think that a lot of this came to a head for me tonight because Ashley and I took our entry up to Hopkins Forest to spend the night in the WOC cabin and of course games like truth and dare and never have I ever came up. first off, I have a reputation in my entry for being a little sketchy. Part of it is that in the beginning of the year, I had a lot of girl friends who came over to hang out a lot; our quote board even has like 3 quotes from Eric's anonymous girls. Anyways, my entry thinks I'm all over that, which I'm obviously not. If anyone knew me well, they would know that I'm probably one of the most conservative people when it comes to relationships. We played never have I ever and I was one of the last people out, which basically means I'm one of the least sketchy. Is that a terrible thing to be? Hell no, but it just got me thinking about relationships and the lack of them. Is there anyone in my life who could be the one? Probably not and most of the time, most of the girls I really like are good friends of mine and its too hard to start something cause of the risk involved and anyways, I usually find out that the feelings are totally one-sided, which is always a blow to the ego. Anyways, I always want to be in a relationship and never am.....this entry did not turn out as i planned.