Commited Discipline

Commitment and discipline. I've been thinking about those two words/ideas a lot recently. The reason they've been on my mind so much lately is that I realize that I completely lack both. I think this was a hard conclusion for me to admit because it this hasn't always been true. Growing up, my parents were very good at instilling both of those qualities in me. I have to assume that the reason I did so well in school was because of that (i.e. being able to concentrate, study, read, etc.). However, over time, those qualities have slowly deteriorated.

I think the deterioration of my commitment and discipline really began in college. At first, it just became displaced. Instead of it being applied to academics (I never went to class, even freshman year), it was applied to sports. Even though I only stuck with crew for one year, I was pretty dedicated to it and in retrospect, I'm surprised at how much time I put into crew that year, especially since there were a lot of miserable moments. But even though I left after the first year, with good reason, I still miss it to this day; a lot of what I miss was that commitment to the sport and the discipline that my coach instilled in my team. After freshman year, my discipline was pretty much gone. I really lacked focus the last 3 years of college and it's gotten extremely worse now that I'm no longer in college.

At least while I was in college, I had certain "boundaries" that helped steer me toward being more disciplined. Even though I didn't place a huge emphasis on academics, just being in college made me focus on it to some degree. Groups that I was involved in (there were many) also forced me to truly show commitment and being so close to friends who kept me accountable was a huge boon (I don't know how many times Dani or my frosh forced me to go to class or actually write my term papers, but without them, I surely would have flunked out of school.) But now, I'm a working man. Work is not the same as school and the "boundaries" associated with work are few. As long as I show up and get what I need done, that's all that's required. There is no particular alphabetic grading scale. Sure, there is a difference between quality work product and mediocre work product, but it all gets lost in the larger scheme of things. In school, you work for yourself so there is a greater sense of accomplishment with everything you do. When you're working, you're working for someone else and if you work for a large company, what you do is just a small drop in the pond. So for work to be a real driver for commitment and discipline, you either need to really love what you do (not me!) or be high enough up where what you do actually matters (not me again!).

Outside of work, there isn't much else right now. I hang out with friends and try to do other things that interest me, but even that is suffering from the lack of commitment and discipline. I've become very lazy when it comes to relationships. I used to be pretty good at keeping in touch with people, but now, even writing an e-mail to someone has become a week-long ordeal rife with procrastination. I've become very good at NOT returning phone calls and become prone to canceling plans with friends. As far as other interests, I've been lacking the discipline to actually act on plans. I've got the time since my work hours aren't bad, but the discipline and commitment are always missing.

I don't really have an answer as to why this is the case, but I'm determined to change this in the coming months. Wish me luck...