A new beginning

Yes, that's what I'm declaring. Senior year has definetly not been going the way I planned and I haven't stuck to my plan of making the most of my last year here at Williams, no matter what the circumstances. So given that is midterm of Fall semester and I only have about 7 months left here, I'm gonna actually make an effort to do what I said I was going to do. What does that mean? I think it means making some tough decisions and dealing with some of the crap that has been building up over the last couple years. I think first off, I need to be more committed to my school work. I talked with Morty today during our tutorial meeting and we started talking about returns on higher education and whether it was consistent over your four years. I said I didn't think so because the greatest returns came in the first and last year because everything is so new in the first year and the last year (right now), you realize how little time you have left and try to really take advantage of all your opportunities, both academic and social (and balancing those two becomes even trickier). So yeah, I've decided that I need to become more studious. I do a lot of stuff, but I think I waste a lot of time because I lack focus. Part of me thinks (and has thought for a while now) that I have a mild form of ADHD, but I guess everyone has that and to use that as my excuse for lacking focus is kind of a cop-out.

The second thing I need to do is cut back on my activities. I know that I've done too much at school. I've always known that and my friends always remind me of that fact, but instead of doing less, I always find ways to take on more responsibility. But this is my senior year and I should really try to take more time to enjoy the campus and the people and spend more time with my friends. I mean, I've realized that I barely leave Susie H unless its for class. I don't go over to my friends' dorms anymore. I don't see people that often. If it weren't for IM, I think I'd be completely cut off from my friends. So yeah, I need to do less, especially since I realize I've been doing a very shitty job at things. I'm behind in my responsibilities for ACE, I never really know what's going on at FinCom and am always late. As for JA stuff, god, I feel like I'm a terrible advisor for this class. Thank god they are such a good class and don't need as much help, but once committee starts up, it's going to be a shitshow. Plus, the advisory board has a great opportunity to do some meaningful stuff for the JAs this year, but I just haven't had the time to do anything. I've been slacking as a math tutor, which sucks because it means I'm doing a shitty job for my tutees. I never want to go and give a tour anymore at the Admissions office, which is terrible because it used to be one of my favorite jobs. And let's not even start about how absent I've been at my duties to work for Marcela at the MCC or the fact that I barely show up to work for Barb and Gail at the Student Activities Office and they have been so nice about it, not yelling at me or firing me, and still making breakfast for me when I show up. It's kind of ridiculous. I also feel like I'm doing a shitty job for Bill, which def. doesn't cut it since this is an actual job and I'm working with Thrivent and McKinsey guys and I want to keep up the good impression they have of me.

So what's the first thing to go? Honestly, I think it might have to be ACE. I spend probably close to 20 hours a week doing stuff for it and for what? I honestly reap no benefits from it and more so, it puts me in the public eye which leads, in my mind, to greater scrutiny when shit happens. And I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a perfect person and I definetly don't follow a lot of the college's rules, which explains a lot of the problems I've been having with security. And that whole fiasco is another story (which I think is wrapping up soon and favors me, at least from the Dean's office), but outside of that, I feel like Security has been completely unfair to me. Now I don't want have some since of entitlement, but I work my ass off for the college and do a lot of stuff to help the student body and get no recognition or breaks. I don't have a great title like "president" which obviously has benefits just from the title. No, I'm the lowly number cruncher who ends up doing a shitload of work, but mostly behind the scenes. Honestly, what would happen if for one week I did nothing for ACE? What if I stopped responding to e-mails, stopped filling out vouchers, and stopped answering my cell phone, which because of ACE cost me an extra $80 last month because I logged 200 extra non-nighttime mintues. So yeah, I'm getting fed up with ACE. I'm gonna catch up on the work, finish up the database, finish the end-of-year report, and then fuck it, don't ask me to help with programming stuff (esp. since Security has threatened that they are revoking my tips and host certification which basically means I can't work any parties for the rest of the year).

[insert break to do some actual homework here]