We all need to find happiness. Whether its in the things we do, the thing we believe, or the people we encounter, this life is worthless if you can't find things that make you smile. The thing that worries me is how we measure this happiness. How do we know whether we are truly happy or have just been tricked into believing we are happy. Some of the things that I do, some of the groups I participate in...do they really make me happy? Do I really care if RASAN gets $1500 or $1000? Does it make me happy to spend hours writing vouchers? Does it make me happy to move furniture, pick up gross used beer cups, and have to calm drunk people down? Does it make me happy to have these responsibilities? And if none of this makes me happy, why do I keep going back? Why do I try to gain even more responsibility and try to dig myself deeper into these groups? I don't know.

I think its kind of sad when people ask me if I'm okay all the time, if I'm doing alright and if I'm going to make it. Yes, it can be just a nice gesture, but the frequency and the tag on line, "We've been talking about you..." creates a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts. Yes I'm over committed and yes I push myself. Would I be better off focusing on fewer things? Maybe. Maybe I could do them better. Maybe I could do better in school. Maybe I'd have more time to spend with my frosh. Maybe I'd be able to get to know people on a better level. Maybe I'd have closer relationships if I just let some things go. I don't know the answer and I think I'm too afraid to see if it is true. Better off just submerging myself in work, in activities, and avoid having to truly commit to things, to truly have to know what makes me happy.

And full circle to the question of what makes us happy. Can you find happiness in other people if you haven't found it in yourself first? I don't know, but I'm starting to lean towards the same conclusion I've made about love. You can't love someone until you are able to love yourself. I truly believe that. I guess I've just become pessimistic when it comes to people. Yes, I've been lucky to have some amazing people in my life. I guess I'm just wondering if people sometimes think that they will be happy with certain things, with certain people that we program ourselves to overlook obvious things, obvious signs that things aren't as they appear. I think I do this a lot. Fuck, I don't know what I was trying to say there.

Songs for the Moment:

"Hope"- Twista
"The Grey Album"- Jay-Z
Fleming and John
Tenacious D
Little Brother